Roots to Thrive Founder


Pause.  I’m in shock.  How did I get here again?  Shit!  I’ve been swept away, like surfing on a tidal wave, feeling high and accomplished when on it but seeing the falsehood of this as the wave washes away and I am sitting in it’s path of destruction. 

I’m sitting at the bottom of myself, in a hole with my shadows.  At first, I am terrified, frozen in fear and physical pain.  Hands reach out and I don’t know how to grab them.  Still, they are comforting.  They are there, noticing I have fallen, partly because my body has spoken, partly because my spirit is knocked down too.   

As I sit in the bottom of my cup, I am still.  Old patterns would have me clawing, grasping for a way out through a plan, a path forward, the DOing of action to escape the discomfort of BEing in my pain.  My body needs slow to recover and so I push away the urge to grasp through DOing and sit in it. 

I feel lost.  And the hands that were reaching out to pull me up are now dangling, still too far to reach, reminding me I’m not alone as I sit.  All the things I’ve been holding together, the balls I’ve been juggling, have fallen down.  And it’s ok.  I’m ok. 

Despite not knowing my way forward I know I am not alone and to be seen in my darkness is healing.  So, I show up.  I go to my Roots to Thrive meetings, not as a Facilitator but as a human.  Just show up.  Do the next right thing, one step at a time, feeling my way through. 

As I sit in this virtual circle, feeling like I’ve opened a portal to my darkness by opening Zoom.  I feel comfort knowing I am safe to be authentic.  “You don’t always have to smile,” whispers a reminder from my heart. 

As others share, my body responds with signals, sensations that bring light back where darkness felt heavy.  In listening, I am reminded I am not alone.  In witnessing, I see pieces of myself that had been frozen in pain, reflected back at me and igniting a spark, albeit small, to initiate the thaw.  I leave with love and gratitude for those in this space who have gifted me hope, belonging, courage and kindness while mine weren’t accessible.  “I am love,” whispers my heart. 

I remain in the depths of my darkness, unsure of what is to come.  “Stop talking and listen,” my heart reminds me.  My heart has a knowing that if I stay here, at the bottom of my cup, BEing, healing, listening, that I won’t have to plan, think, clutch, grasp my way forward.  BEing is good enough.  Showing up is enough.  I am enough.  One thing at a time, feeling my way through is all I have to do.  The Universe and my heart will take care of the rest.   

Written by Kate Wilton August 20, 2021

By Kelsey Voysey. A personal account by a fellow traveler


The alarm goes off. Morning. 6am. The routine is always the same. Either roll over and go back to sleep, the world of dreams more comfortable than my consciousness; or pick up my phone and scroll mindlessly. Numb. Anything to keep my mind occupied – those little bits of synthetically created dopamine staving off the pain of being alone with my thoughts, my body, my being. Wait… wait…  fifteen minutes passes, forty-five minutes, an hour and a half. Time passes quickly but I don’t remember what I’ve been reading, watching, doing. It doesn’t matter. It is only a distraction from myself. I prefer to be numb. The truth is I don’t remember how to be any other way. 
I drag myself out of bed at the last minute. Shower, hair, face. No time for food. No time for myself. No time to think. Stress – I’m late again. I’m late every day. This is the way I prepare myself. My nervous system primed for another day at work. Activated, dysregulated. In fight or flight for the foreseeable future. I flee often – calling in sick more often than I should, spending my breaks sitting in parking lots on my phone – desperate to be numb for any amount of time I can spare. But mostly I fight. Nothing is a problem that cannot be solved. Everything is my responsibility. It doesn’t have to be this way – this is not my job, but I’ve fallen into this role to protect myself. In this role I don’t have time to think of myself, my experience. I am mindless, bodiless. I am a force of stress, anxiety, and judgement. 
They tell me I’m good at what I do. I don’t think that’s possible. I do this job because the shadow of a long-forgotten value tells me that I cared once. But now I lose clients and I only feel numb. I think there’s sadness down there somewhere, if only I could remember how to feel it. Sometimes I worry that it will all come forth at once like a tidal wave and drown me. 
The end of the workday arrives. Fifteen minutes home, twenty if I take the long way. I don’t remember the drive, it’s a miracle I make it home each day. I feel the anxious, activated energy seep from me. By the time I pull into the driveway there is only exhaustion. Intrusive thoughts from the workdays of the past week, month, year flood my brain. It’s painfully overwhelming. I’m too tired for this. I reach for my synthetic dopamine. Numb, I need to be numb. I don’t even have the energy to leave my car. 
The hours pass. I have no energy for the love of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I remember what love feels like. I drag myself through the evening, numb. I rely on the screens, the fantasy around me. Keeping me just comfortable enough to come back for more. I have nothing left for myself. No motivation to feed myself, care for myself, care for my family. I tell myself this is normal. It’s just a bad day. Tomorrow will be different. 
Finally it is time to sleep. I scroll through my phone until I am too exhausted to keep my eyes open. I cannot allow myself a moment of awareness, a moment of thought. It is too painful. I crave feeling numb.


The final journey. 
The medicine is strong. I’ve been journeying for a while. This world of knowing, of guidance, of experience. Colours, shapes, images, messages. I move fast at first – too fast. Incomplete messages and flashes of images I don’t have time to comprehend. I ride the current, allowing the medicine to take me where it will. 
And then I feel it. A distant thought, a soft memory. My intention. What I’m here for. What I need to heal. 
I know it’s time. It feels like now or never. 
I’m not strong enough to do this by myself. I focus every particle of my being to lift my hand skyward – a request: come with me on this journey. I feel warmth encircle my hand. A presence grounded in kindness, hope, strength, and knowing. I am not alone. 
I am ready. I let myself sink. Down, down, down into myself. I watch the journey into the darkness and all I see is emptiness. I am empty. I am numb. I sink farther, farther. Hopelessness drains into me, out from me. Is this all I am? Is this what I have come here for, to learn I am truly empty? 
When I feel I can stand the pain no longer, I stop sinking. A soft glow emanates from the shadows. A small seed of beautiful purple light illuminates the darkness of my being. 
The message comes to me at once. Not a voice, but a knowing building inside myself. I am not blocked; but I have given myself away. In the moments I have conformed to expectations, in the moments I have failed to set boundaries, in the moments I have refused to experience my emotions, in the moments I have decided to quiet myself instead of speak: I have given myself away. There is almost nothing left. Almost. 
This light is precious. This light is me. This light is everything. I sit in awe of myself. I am still here. Despite everything, I am still here. 
The second message comes similarly to the first, from deep in my heart: this is my work. This is my world. Nurture this light. Cherish this light. Grow this light and propagate so that I am filled with light in every cell, every thought, every beat of my heart. This is my healing journey. 
The image fades but the message remains. I find my way back to the surface, guided by the grounded presence that has supported my sacred journey.
I am here. I am enough.


Purple Light
Relief, joy, gratitude, awe, and belonging surge into my heart as I return to this community that has saved my life. Eight months is far too long, and I revel in the company of those who saw my heart and held me as worthy from the moment they met me. These are the people I bare my soul to, those who love me. I love them deeply in return. 
I share laughter and hugs with those who have come to share this sacred space. This community is strong, and the container we set for our healing is stronger. My heart is open as I receive the medicine. 
My journey is gentle. It is filled with love and understanding. It is exactly what I need. 
I see my parents, and my six year old self weeps at the sudden understanding. I explore my fear and learn that my journey to release will be long. I experience interconnectedness and I see the universe in all of her beauty and unrepentant glory. 
Then something tugs at me gently, persistently. Inviting me down within myself, I sink without hesitation. I know this space, I have been here before. I journey into my heart and I am immediately met with a beautiful, brilliant purple light. It shines into every corner of my being, filling me up and illuminating my darkest wounds and crevices. My light pulses with love, with courage, with vitality, with life. My heart is so full I feel I am bursting open and filling our sacred container with purple love.  
I have found my way home.

By: Crosbie Watler, MD, FRCPC

On starting my day this morning, l reflected—as l often do—on the question:  “How do l want to feel today?”  Focus on how we want you feel, then make choices that might get us there.  At face value, this seems reasonable enough.

This time and for reasons that are unclear, l had the epiphany that l was asking the wrong question—attaching to how l WANT to feel.  Another attachment, another doing.  And of course, how do we WANT to feel? Calm and comfortable.  We don’t want to feel upset or messy, even if that is what we NEED to experience on our healing journey.

As we move towards increased awareness, memories and emotions that we have suppressed will come forward to be noticed.  This can make us feel very uncomfortable.  We then judge and resist the discomfort.

We WANT to feel “good,” to have a “nice” day, even if awareness of the discomfort is exactly what we NEED to create a different relationship with our memories and emotions.  Ultimately, a different relationship with ourselves. Below the neck and in the felt sense.

I suggest a better question:  Where should l focus my attention today?  For me, it’s awareness of breath and inner space.  Cultivating free and clear space in the body and anchoring there whenever possible.  Coming back to it when l lose it.  There l/we experience our BEING selves and bump into a formidable ally:  our Inner Healing Intelligence.  The capacity for healing is already there—not in the thinking, but in the still awareness below the neck.

Anchored there, we recognize that discomfort might be an ally on the path.  A signal that there is work to be done.  Do not judge it, or want something different.  Lean into it. Bring awareness to where there is discomfort in your mind, or in your body.   No narrative, simply presence. Perhaps breathe a bubble of space around any upset, then on the exhale, have the intention to breathe out what is not serving you.

This is the long game of “feeling better”—awareness that it is a process.  You may feel worse before you feel better.  Notice the discomfort, without the narrative. Without attachment.  As long as you maintain this practice, any discomfort or upset might be exactly what you NEED to evolve your awareness and your resilience.

A parable by Graham Walker, a treasure among us…

One day, two brothers went out in search of The Cave of Wonders. They had been told by the village Elders that The Cave was a place of profound healing and wisdom, filled with magic and treasure.  

After a long journey, the brothers found The Cave and, though its dark, mysterious entrance filled them with trepidation, they both closed their eyes and stepped across the threshold. The brothers fell into the darkness, and each landed in their own special part of The Cave, with unique teachings and treasures meant just for them. 

The first brother was utterly amazed by the sparkling treasures that laid before him. The Cave spoke to him and gently urged him to stay and steep in the magic and mystery. But, this brother ignored The Cave’s invitation. Instead, he focused his mind on the importance of bringing the treasure to the outside world – for he knew these treasures were invaluable and could help him, his village, and the world at large, immensely. 

So, this brother went to work filling his pockets with as much treasure as he could carry, delighted in the thought of how these gifts would help the world. However, the more he filled his pockets the more the Cave of Wonders began to dissolve around him. Noticing this, he began filling his pockets more frantically, wanting to save as much treasure as possible before his time ran out. 

Then, suddenly, he found himself standing outside the Cave, feeling a little sad for having to leave so soon. Nevertheless, he ran back to his village to share with his people the treasures he had taken. As he arrived, he imagined the glory and triumph his gifts would evoke. But, when he emptied his pockets in front of his people, all he found were slips of paper with the word “Treasure” written on them. The people of the village were not so impressed by these treasures as this brother had hoped, and he was left feeling puzzled, frustrated, and disappointed. 

Meanwhile, the second brother had accepted The Cave’s invitation to let go and surrender to the magic and mystery around him. He basked in the treasure without any notions of trying to figure it out or take it with him. Eventually, when the time was right, The Cave carried him upward and he found himself outside once again. He walked slowly and quietly, pausing occasionally to notice and appreciate the world around him. When he returned to the village, he felt a little lighter and a little more at ease. He also seemed to move among his people with a little more harmony and to connect with each of them with a little more love. 

The first brother observed the second brother and recognized that his brother’s very being in the world was of help to their people. He wondered what was different about his brother and how this change had occurred. But, when the sun shone on his brother in just the right way, he saw the answer – for his brother now sparkled as the treasure itself. 

The End.

Written by Phil and Shannon Dames

Combined with intention and a secure set and setting, music is an excellent way to metabolize strong emotions and sensations. It promotes heartfulness and with intention and regulation practices, it can also expand your window of tolerance. This can be especially helpful for those who continue to be immersed in trauma laden environments (Bensimon, 2020) and those working with post traumatic stress (Beck et al., 2021; Macfarlane, Masthoff, & Hakvoort, 2019).  

By making space for the various layers and sensations that music elicits in the body, we also learn to make space for the various layers and sensations that emotions elicit in the body. In this way, music can be an integral part of one’s healing, regardless of where we are on our journey. It creates a touch point in time that we can return to through our auditory senses. By using different types of music, we can create touch points in time. Using tracks that create additional textures makes the music more tactile in nature with more layers to tune into. As a result, it magnifies the ability to reach back to that track when we need to tune back in. Our body has an incredible ability to recall these moments, even if our brain does not.  

Types of Music and Set (intentions) and Setting (environment and tools):

  • Go inside: close your eyes and ears to the outer world so you can focus on the inner world. 
  • Choose wisely: Finding music that moves you – fluffing up sensations within, while simultaneously opening your heart space.  Ideally you will choose music without words so you can listen for your inner voice. If you are listening to lyrics, make sure they align with your own values and intentions.  
  • Utilize different instruments and textures within the music to activate different parts of your body. Strong beats send vibrations into your centre, reminding you of your inner signal and the pilot light (your essence/ life force) within. The sound of a bow on a stringed bass may be resonant in your heart or a violin may stimulate your mind.
  • Utilizing tracks that create additional textures magnifies the ability to reach back to that track when needed…it makes the music more tactile in nature. Our body has an incredible ability to recall these moments, even if our brain does not. Adding in the textured music adds an additional layer for our bodies and minds to remember.
  • Working with Strong emotions/sensations:  If strong sensations come up, this is an excellent time to use your regulation practices (softening tension with breath, EFT/tapping, stretching, physical activity, the butterfly hug, dance, sigh etc.). Also notice what song is playing, approaching it with curiosity.
  • Use the RAIN framework(Brach, 2019):  The RAIN framework is an excellent reminder to recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture what comes up for tending and releasing.   
  • Notice specific tracks to mark a space in time during your journey. Come back to the tracks that move you: your mind may not remember, but your body will. If strong emotions arise during the track, take note and come back to it.

Start gentle with music that provides more inner comfort than felt chaos.  As you practice, you will be more able to allow strong sensations to come and go, trusting you have the inner and outer resources (security and regulating tools) to navigate whatever arises.  

Examples of different tracks that may pull you more into your body:

Garth plays a double stringed bass, which is felt in the heart region when played at the right volume
Feelings by Solar Fields mixes in different sounds to add a comfortable level of chaos to the mix. They also bring in a deep kick drum at around 3 1/2 minute to the track. This beat can be grounding within the chaos
4am adds different layers of texture, creating almost a tactile feel to the track
Similar to 4am above, I’m 9 Today adds layers of texture, unique composition of instruments and a playful tone

A Personal Account by Margaret Huml, an inspired human who provides excellent company in liminal spaces~

I have crossed the threshold and even in moments when I think I want to go back I cannot. I am in a space between…. A waiting space. Here I sit in this waiting space – not the life I was living, left wondering when I will immerge on the ‘other side’ (whatever that means). I feel glimpses of anger, resentment, sadness…. Sometimes they pull me in deep…. And I want to go back to the discomfort of the way things were before, ironically that felt more comfortable and somehow appealing.

When I look outside of myself, I see all that I perceive needs to be different, needs to change, decisions that need to be made…. And a wave of overwhelm washes over me entirely. I have been trained that if I am not making a decision, than I am indecisive, that if I am not DOING than I am not enough………… so what then happens now, in this space between, in this waiting….. where nothing seems to be moving as quickly as I am used to.

I breathe. I tap into my Being. And here I can see with new eyes. I can see that the healing timeline is a lie…. There is no finish line, no decisions to be forced into existence. The path to healing is through…. And how do I get through my noisy mind asks…… sit and breathe my heart responds.

So I sit as best as I am able, for as long as I am able. Even when I want to run, I sit. I sit and breathe into the discomfort, into the ugliness, into the unraveling, into the stillness, I notice. And when I reach my maximum, I pause, I breathe again, I take a break (no shame) and come back to my BEing when I am able.

Maybe this liminal space, this space between, this waiting room…..maybe, just maybe, it is beautiful. Yes it is wonderfully slow (according to societal standards) and it is unknown. I am grateful for the space of curiosity that is accessible here, so I tend to myself with gentleness, with compassion, with love. From a state of BEing.

Inevitably my noisy mind becomes restless and prodding and I come to a moment when I can no longer notice with curiosity….. so I move with it. I wander in nature. I breathe. My chaotic mind tells me this walking is gluttonous…. Yet my body knows it is healing. Wandering in the woods, I am with it, the space between.

In this waiting space I search for anchors – anchors in nature – anchors in community – anchors in unconditional positive regard. So I show up here. Even when I feel messy. Even when I feel weary. Sad. Ugly. I show up without the “right” words, without knowing the way. And I wait. There is beauty in the waiting. Even when it can feel excruciating.

Expansion and contraction are equally valuable. Even though I prefer expansion – simply because my DOING mind justifies my existence here…. For me, expansion ticks the box of “I’m doing it right” or “I am winning” and yet contraction is the feeling in my body that represents a depth of meaning – can I meet myself where I am at, in this moment even when (especially when) I am not fond of this moment, this experience, this feeling….. there is meaning here, so I wait. I cultivate self-compassion, because I need a load more of that.

I am grateful for this community where I am held in love. Where you hold me able to sit in uncomfortable spaces that I have not allowed myself to before. And rather than greeting this space with tolerance (my typical grin & bear it approach), I am sitting, waiting to meet this space with compassion. I remind myself sometimes the significant thing is to breathe. To sit. To wait. Healing is a process not a destination. This space that we have created is a healing field – it is a sacred space that has been provided to me so that I may recognize what is whispering to be heard, to acknowledge it, to be with it, to tend to it and possibly to befriend it. This space is a gift, and although it feels turbulent at times, that’s ok. Here in this space I am not lost I am found. I am connected with source. I am connected with my Being. I am connected with community.

I see that my impatience to get to the other side is a manifestation of my noisy Doing mind – when I can hear my heart it reminds me that a life wandering a healing path is a life well LIVED. And clearly it is a beautiful journey because it has gifted me each of you.

As I am in the middle of it and you are in the middle of it and the WORLD is in the middle of it, our healing ripples out to our community and throughout the world~ (Huml, 2021)

Written by Gail Peekeekoot RN, DMin, a living example a woman who cultivates community~

Nothing I say will be new to you… and it comes after years of consideration, longing, and lots of reading. The book that pulled it together most recently for me is by a writer called Charles Eisenstein.  It’s called “The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know is Possible”. Just hearing that title gives me relief.

I want to start by inviting you to imagine the faces of the people in your life… We all belong.

Some of us trust this or believe it more than others. And yet, here we all are.

We each found our way to this journey because we knew there just had to be a better way for us to live and work in a world in which we can express our most authentic being.

Truth be told… just being more comfortable in our skin and happier is a good starting place. I’ll take it.

Before we get to talking more about community, I want to touch into story. “Finally!” you might think.

It’s strange and sometimes uncomfortable to be in this Roots to Thrive community where we really don’t know much about each other!  And yes…our stories brought each of us to this place, but it’s not the details of those stories that matter here.

What matters is how we come back into relationship with our body and our Inner Being when jumped from behind by our painful stories or the chaos of the world.

Since we are going to finally talk about story on our way to talking about community, I’m going to tell you just the beginning words of three possible Creation stories.

As you hear each of them…think about where the story would go from there and how that would shape the lives of the people who hear them.

Close your eyes after you read each one.

Here’s the first one. The fires of Creation are burning.  Out of the fire steps First Man….

Here’s another. The fires of Creation are burning.  Out of the fire steps First Woman…

Here’s another. The fires of Creation are burning.  Out of the fire steps First Wolf…

All of our stories are rooted in the rich soil of the Creation Story into which we each were born.  And, until we learn differently, we think ours is the only Story that’s true for everyone.

How we live our personal stories is very much shaped by the story we inherited and were taught and absorbed in every act and word and the very energy field that surrounds us and moves through us… containing the history of our ancestors and so much more…until we see other possibilities for living our lives.

And then things start to change for us and our communities and our world.

Before there were sky scrapers and oil tankers and traffic jams…way before…we all lived in small communities in balanced relationship with the Cosmos, the Earth, ourselves, each other, our culture, our history, the Sacred and on and on. This is not a myth.  It is our heritage.

It wasn’t always easy.  People struggled and went to war for resources. We also coped with greed and cruelty and all the things that take people out of relationship.

The point is, we needed each other and the quirks and work and gifts and creativity of every person in our community. With intention, we lived in interconnectedness with All.

When Indigenous people say “All my Relations”, I hear these words as a graceful reminder of the intention to respect and sustain interconnectedness…and deep gratitude for the gift and blessing of interconnectedness.

At the human level it doesn’t happen by itself it happens by intention. At the cosmic level it comes as a gift of infinite and unfathomable, creative, unfolding design. Both.

Living in the story of interconnectedness, we knew ourselves to be part of a benevolent Universe in which we were loved and seen, and our needs would be met.

Human relationships tended to be equal not hierarchical. Power came from within and was shared for the benefit of all. People were held as worthy simply because they were alive. 

Individuals had direct personal relationship and experience of the Sacred through their Inner Being.

At some point, a new story was superimposed forcefully over the story of interconnection.  This story is one of separation.

You will recognize it. In this story, we are seen as being alone in a hostile Universe in which we have to fight to have our needs met. We must earn our worthiness and even our love.

This is how we become Human Doings. If we fail or step out of line, if we age, or get ill we can lose that hard won worth.

Power is held by those at the top of a hierarchy of wealth and influence and education who wield power over the rest of the population and the world’s resources.

Depending where you landed at birth on the hierarchy, you must work even harder to be deemed worthy and be granted resources for survival.

Perhaps the most painful part of the story of separation is that we are taught that we can only access the Sacred through one of God’s representatives on Earth who is – no surprise – at or near the top of the hierarchy.

Charles Eisenstein proposes that the increasing number of people who are experiencing anxiety and depression today is because we know in the depths of our being that we are between stories.  The one we grew up in, the story of hierarchy and separation is unsustainable and is falling apart and quickly coming down, taking the Earth with it. The story of separation contains our jobs and pensions and mortgages and our sense of who we have been in the world. 

The ancient story of interconnectedness is calling to us.  We know there is a better way of relating to ourselves, each other, and the Earth but we aren’t sure how to get there.

We may have a foot in both stories or jump back and forth.  We may not be sure about anything anymore.

Against high odds, many Indigenous peoples have served over the millennia as firekeepers of this way of interconnectedness and there have been many non-Indigenous people who have stepped away from the story of separation and created a path to the ancient story that is not yet.

So, we find ourselves in liminal space between stories as a culture and as individuals. And, because it has been painful to be in our changing world, we came together in Roots to Thrive where our snow globe has been shaken even more.

We long for community – real community where we see and are seen, where we hear and are heard. When we aren’t sure our wish for this is even possible, it is so hard to trust and stay in community and so hard to over-ride the patterns that seemed to keep us safe before.

We all want and deserve to be in healthy and balanced relationships with ourselves and each other and sometimes we just get scared. 

I was once told that there are two ways people handle fear: by being skunks or by being turtles.  When skunks get scared, they make a big stink and when the air clears…they wonder where everyone else went.  When turtles get scared, they tuck their heads in and when things settle down and they stick their heads out…they wonder where everyone else went. 

It’s good to know that going to centre is a viable third option when fear comes up.

In the past, we could have found ourselves alone having “turtled up” or after making a big stink.

Now, even if no one is there with us, we are held in a particular energy field that is growing as each person brings their unique beingness and humanness into Roots to Thrive.

We all sense the growing strength and beauty of this field as we heal together. This will continue with each cohort who join us. How does this happen?

In the story of separation, we all begin and end where our physical bodies begin and end.  In the story of interconnectedness, there is no beginning or end to any of us or anything – we are all energy beings vibrating at different frequencies in different overlapping and nested energy fields.

These fields carry our histories and stories and hopes and dreams. They carry and communicate our way of being in the world.

We have the fields of our ancestors, our families, our professions, our interests and on and on. I am shaped and am shaped by the fields of woman, mother, grandmother, wife, sister, aunt, nurse, midwife, singer, celebrant, minister, lover of trees and moons and stars, and psychedelics and on and on and on.

And now we can add being part of the energy field of the Roots to Thrive community. The healing and growth that happens in this field ripples out to the rest of our lives and the world.

In the story of separation, we are told that we need to go it alone. In the story of interconnectedness, there is no “alone”.  We are walking each other home to authenticity and the sweet rewards of living inspired and inspiring lives.

This is our intention and our joy.  We grow in community no matter how tricky it can be – maybe especially because of how tricky it can be.

The point is, we need each other and the quirks and work and gifts and creativity of every person in our community. As we grow and heal, the World grows and heals ~

Written by Dr. Crosbie Watler

What is our highest purpose? Is it our work? Our family? Or some other role, relationship, achievement in this waking dream of “my life”?

Muscling through our lives, our choices are often programmed and unconscious. We choose on the basis fear, insecurity, greed. We reflect on “What do I want?” when what we want might not be what we need.

Let’s begin our journey this evening by reflecting on the following questions:

Who am I?
What do I want—no, what do l need?
What is my purpose?

These are the so-called “soul questions.” Whether we are aware of them or not, our answer to these questions will determine whether we stumble through life in a state of fear and reactivity, or with clear purpose and calm intention.

Almost invariably, these questions provoke discomfort. We struggle with these questions, even when they are not in our awareness. They create angst, despair. We busy ourselves as a distraction, seeking just one more checkmark in doing mode to “make us happy.”
This new job will make me happy. This new partner will make me happy. Losing 10 pounds will make me happy. This move will make me happy— the geographic cure. How’s this working for you? For me? We’ve boiled the ocean in doing mode, yet here we are, with a pandemic of anxiety, depression and existential despair.

We have simply forgotten who we are and looking in the wrong place to recover it. We are human BEings, not human DOings. If there is any satisfaction in doing mode, enjoy it. It won’t last for long. The endless quest for something out there to “make” me happy. Trying to fill our bucket, but it’s never enough. There’s a hole in the bucket…

The journey is not in seeking new landscapes, but in seeing with new eyes.

What exactly do we need to see with new eyes? Ourselves. Self awareness. Everything that’s righteous flows from there. This is the foundation of the whole enterprise, without which we will never awaken to our highest purpose. We are simply blowing in the wind, at the whim of ego, conditioned mind.

We need to see ourselves—experience ourselves—as we did on the day of our birth. Awareness without boundaries. Free and clear space. The stillness of no mind. Simply “I am.” No condition. Before we drank the Kool-Aid and started telling ourselves stories about who we are:

I am a failure.
I am unlovable.
I am—or will be—alone. I am lost.
Sound familiar?

The shift begins by looking beyond the veil of form. The external “reality” that we construct at the level of the conditioned mind and the illusion of our senses. At this level of consciousness—waking consciousness—we have the subject-object split. Here I am with finite boundaries and there you are. Fertile ground for me versus you, or us versus them. The territory of Donald J Trump.

This is the waking dream and it is a primary cause of suffering. The ancient sages called it Maya—the illusion of the senses. At this level of consciousness, our senses lie to us. We see just 4% of the visible universe. We see finite boundaries—disconnection—when in fact, there is a continuous field of energy and matter where we merge with everything around us. This is the healing field where the magic happens. Connection. Within and without. Ahum Brahmasmi…I am the Universe.

Ultimate truth—there are two of you—of me—in the game of life. The doing and the being. On the day of your birth, you were totally immersed in being. The silent witness. They say we “grow up”. At the level of form we grow, we develop a cortex. Intelligence perhaps, but not much wisdom.

We confuse achievement with worth—net worth. By the time we are out of diapers, we have already steeped in doing mode. We hear “hurry up” from a parent. “Put your thinking cap on” from a teacher. Well intentioned, but unconscious.

Who we really are is hidden behind the veil of sensations, images, feelings and thoughts. The turning of the conditioned mind. The monkey mind. Like clouds blocking the sun. We succumb to the collective delusion: “I think, therefore, I am.” But, we were born into the sun. Clear, blue sky is our birthright. It was all we knew. Before we lost our way.

We might not know who we are, but we know it when we see it. We see it—feel it—when we look into a baby’s eyes. Or when a beloved pet walks into room. We love them, because we see in them the essence of who we are. Babies and small furry animals don’t say a thing, yet we feel their gravitational pull. Their healing field. Like medicine. Washing over us. Simply holding…space.

We often worry what’s the right thing to say. In truth, our

words alone carry little weight—less than 10% of human communication is the content of speech—it is where we show up from when we speak them. Or where we listen from. Are we listening deeply?

How do we hang out there more often—holding space for others? For ourselves? Our parents might not have done it for us. That ship has sailed. They did the best with the tools they had—their own awareness—or lack thereof. Forgive them—they know not what they do—they were/or are unconscious.

Time to do it for yourself. This is too important to outsource…looking for someone or something to “make” you happy. Make you whole. The time is now. Time to drop the stories. In doing mode you never were and never will be perfect. Get over it. At the level of being, you are already perfect.

Anchor in that awareness, with an intention to do better. But the outcomes, the roles does not define you. They will come and go, like the weather. You are not the weather. You are the witness of the weather.

Whether in the medicine, or in this waking dream, shift your attention, with intention to inner space. The pause between the in breath and the out breath. Light switch….down. Are you there now? In the healing field of spacious awareness. Catch yourself when you lose it— Why am I thinking? Is it serving any purpose, or simply filling up, space?

“It’s time. You can feel it knocking. It’s time to sit in front of the mirror where you can’t lie to yourself anymore about who you are…” Duncan Grady.

Mirroring. I see you. Now see yourself. No one else might have done it for you. Maybe they did and you lost it. The stillness of being. It is all that is truly yours—everything else is on loan to you. This role, that relationship, my body. Enjoy it, but don’t identify with it. Whether you succeed or fail at any enterprise, you are not elevated…or diminished.
This is the domain of “I don’t mind what happens.” Non attachment. Whatever the challenge, anchor in non- judgement. Spacious awareness. We can churn at the level of the mind and create a problem out of thin air, or we can do inward and access the wisdom of our being selves. The wisdom of the gut brain…the silent brain, where we feel into our bodies and make effortless, wise choices.

Coming to know, coming to trust our authentic selves. Below the neck and in the felt sense.

The challenges will come—life is not meant to be easy.

Without the challenges there is no evolution. It is not the challenge of the day that makes a “good” day, or a “bad” day. It is where we show up from when the weather gets stormy.

This will determine whether we are in flow, or in a place of judgement and resistance. In flow, we are connected with the silent witness and with everything around us. We are in the healing field of space and formlessness. A space where powerful, unseen allies will conspire to blow wind in our sails. Not in the efforting, but in the letting go. Where there is wisdom beyond our wildest dreams. In the space between our thoughts.

So full circle:
Who am I?
What do I need?
What is my purpose?

Ask any guru worth his or her salt and the answer will be the same: meditate on it. The answer to each question is the same—thoughtless, spacious awareness. Your highest purpose is to anchor there…and when you lose it, come back.

When you feel the stress response, the aching heart, the fear, the insecurity… the story. You’ve lost it. Come back. Whatever the challenge, whatever the question. It might seem “complex.” The solution is not. Get out of your head

and into your breath. Forget trying to resist the turnings of the mind, simply step out of the ring and into the healing field. The stillness of being. Your inner divinity.

This is the domain of spontaneous right choice, spontaneous right action. Where you will feel into the correct path forward. You are in yoga. Yoga—ancient Sanskrit for union. Union of body, mind and spirit. What is our most important pose in yoga? Savasana. Corpse pose. In truth, no pose. Nowhere to go. Noting to do. Just be. Attachment to nothing and full of everything. No one else and nothing else is necessary. There are things I might want, but nothing I need. I am already whole. No condition.

The sole purpose of a human life is to advance as far as possible along the path of consciousness—Eckhart Tolle. The more challenging life becomes, the more we need to walk the path and anchor in who we really are. Challenges then become rocket fuel for the evolution of consciousness.

Time to wake up. You are here not by chance. I see you. Your ancestors see you. They muse collectively—we got a live one. A rare one. A human being, self-aware and conscious, while in embodied form. They will blow wind in your sails—calling in all their benevolent allies.

And all you need to do, is get out of the way.

THIS is “signal” music. The awareness of our signal through the hallways of time. In the cracks between thought. Listen to these with light switch down…

Written by Dr. Crosbie Watler

The question is, “which self are we coming to know?”  The DOing or the BEing?  Awareness of this duality of self is the most important awareness.  Bar none.

The BEing self is our essential quality.  It was there at our birth:  The Silent Witness.  Presence…awareness consciousness…simply, “I AM.”  No condition.  Before we lost connection with source and learned to tell a story about who we are.  Stories and judgements of ourselves, others and of the world around us.  And the stories are rarely good.

The DOing self is like shifting sand.  The roles, relationships, achievements, failures, appearance, possessions…and on and on.  The doing self is the weather of your life.

If everything is going perfectly at that level, enjoy it.  It won’t last for long.  Identifying with the DOing self is the primary source of suffering.  Like outsourcing our well BEing to the weather.

We were born steeped in awareness of BEing, before we lost ourselves to the monkey mind: “I think, therefore, I am.”Before we drank the Kool Aid and succumbed to the cult of disconnected materialism.

As we “grow up,” we begin to see ourselves as split off from others and from the world around us.  The illusion of separation.  Maya—the illusion of the senses.  Our culture reinforces this illusion of disconnection. Disconnect from source.  BEing.

It is always the perfect time to come back home to rediscover our essential nature.  BEing.  Grounding in witnessing awareness, without thought, judgment, or story.  It is our birthright and our highest calling.

THIS is the healing field of the the psychedelic medicines.  With the mind off line, we sit in front of the mirror, where we cannot lie to ourselves anymore about who we are.  Credit to Duncan Grady, a Blackfoot elder, for that pearl.

Outside of these medicine-assisted shifts in awareness, we can learn to step out of thought with intention—as in meditation. In the space between our thoughts, we experience the stillness of being.  Well being.  It reminds us who we are.

There is a crack, a crack in everything.  That’s how the light gets in—Leonard Cohen.  Our authentic self resides in the crack, the space between our thoughts.  That’s how the light gets in.

Whether we succeed or fail at any enterprise, the BEing self remains the dispassionate, silent witness.  The liberating transition to detachment:  I don’t mind what happens.  Non attachment.

When you are in that place and I’m in that place, we are one.  An  individual wave, aware of the connection with the ocean.

Be the change.

Written by Dr. Crosbie Watler. A true story by an inspired man.

The wee hours.  Wide awake with no distractions.  No escape in restful slumber.  Free and clear space.  I can feel the energy in my body.  It’s stuck and I’ve been carrying it all day, maybe longer.  I sense some of it is not mine—passed down.  My body wants to tell me something.  I can stuff it, numb it, or tell myself a story about it.  Been there, done that, time to shut up and listen. 

It started early this morning after doing an urgent video psychiatry consult.  Another story of a broken spirit, filled with fear and all stuffed in the body.  I felt that in my heart, like a weighted blanket.  All through the interview and with each breath, I held an awareness of space around my heart.  Allowing me to hear the story, to empathize, but not have it stick to me.   In my work, I strive to listen and respond from clear space.  The wisdom and intuition of the felt sense.  The signal comes through the ears, but the body must feel into the meaning and context.

This is the flow state of the interview…and everything else.  I wonder how many practice it, or are even aware of it?  We are in flow when we interact with the world around us from a place of self awareness.  Authentic self—the silent witness.  Shifting attention briefly to inner space, the pause between the in breath and the out breath.  Listen from there and speak from there. This brings the being to the doing, creating a healing field that is unseen, but felt.

Park the mind and use it only when necessary.  Thinking is highly overrated.  Intellect is there, but not much wisdom.  Wisdom and intuition reside in the gut brain.  The silent brain.  Ultimate truth—trust your gut, listen to your gut.  It will not speak to you, but you feel into the right choice, what to do and what to say.  You will learn to trust it.  It won’t lie to you and what flows from you will be righteous.  Sometimes it will surprise you.  You might sense that some of what you’re saying isn’t yours as it flows out effortlessly.  At those moments of peak experience, one becomes a channel.  Park the mind and allow it to flow through. 

All was smooth sailing until the patient transitioned to describing his frustration with our system of mental health “care.”   He detailed the medicalizing of his despair, with a series of treatments doomed to fail, as if by design.  I felt his creeping sense of desperation and helplessness.  That hit me in the gut.  I managed to keep a lid on things and completed the interview with a plan that gave him hope.  Then I signed off. 

That’s when I lost it.

What I lost was awareness of inner space.  The domain of the dispassionate witness.  I was no longer self aware, but in reactivity mode.  All the wisdom and intuition?  Summarily tossed under the bus.  The maestro has become a puppet.          

I don’t do freeze or flight.  I scorch earth.  I now know much of it is not mine.  I’ve lead a privileged life, mirrored and supported as a child.  Blessed with the love of a good woman, authentic relationships and a sense of purpose.  We think we know ourselves, but we are influenced by  unseen forces outside our usual states of awareness.  So much of what we carry is handed down to us.  The epigenetics of our ancestral experience.  Given our collective history, much of this is trauma.  In states of deep meditation—or otherwise altered states of consciousness—we feel our ancestors knocking.  Mine are part slave warrior and it explains everything.

I know in my bones that my ancestors were fierce.  They had to be, or perish.  Many did.  And here I am.  Last man standing.  They hand me the torch and ask, “What are you going to do with it?”  This uncomfortable gift of an easy life does not sit well with me.  I will make it hard.  I need the struggle.  Now I know why.  My ancestors have been pushing boulders uphill forever, in the face of impossible odds.  And here I am.  Last man standing.  Righteous struggle is in my DNA.  I seek it out in ways that leave many—me at times—gobsmacked.  In truth, I sense some of my ancestors might not have been so righteous, but I’m selective about whose torch I choose to carry.

All of this at 8:15 on a Saturday morning in the present day…at the mercy of unseen influences and swirling emotions.  On seeing the harm that comes from the medicalizing of psychiatry, the heaviness in my heart had given way to rage in my gut.  Yet another victim of the medical-pharmaceutical complex.  Patients have become commodities—their distress labelled as disease, or worse, disorder.  Failed medical treatments for wounds of the heart.  And it pisses me off.  Slave warrior gene is on.  Like right now. 

Can I please have something to vanquish?  A wild beast threatening my family, perhaps? Or enemy warriors sneaking into the village.  How about a serving of slave owner for dessert?  No such luck.  It’s 2021 and I’m living a life of privilege in the tranquility of Maple Bay, British Columbia.  I feel paralyzed by the heaviness in my heart and the rage in my belly—swirling, building, with no clear outlet.  That’s when it get’s messy.  Listening from space?  Yeah, right.

I should have done the work sooner.  It’s 3:30 on Sunday morning.  The karmic debt of procrastination.  There is no free lunch.  Do the work, or pay the price.  What the mind won’t acknowledge, the body knows.  You can stuff it for a while—maybe the righteous rage felt good.  It’s in my bloodline and it had purpose.  It was adaptive, but it no longer serves me.  It depletes me and everyone around me.  That awareness is enough.  There was no space for it earlier in the day, or maybe I did not want to make space. 

Making space is hard sometimes.  Keeping the monkey mind at bay is hard work.  I do it all day at my day job and sometimes I just want to let my guard down, to rest.  That’s when it sneaks up on me, the alpha predator.  The present day enemy is no person or beast, it’s the conditioned mind and its unconscious patterns of reactivity.  This stuff will consume you from the inside out, play you like a fiddle and dance on your grave.

So, here I sit in spacious awareness.  The wee hours when quiet contemplation is best.  It’s easier now—nothing to do, nowhere to go, just be. Presence, awareness, silence within and without.  Space within and without.  Where everything that was stuck in my body is washed away.  The radiant light of presence has cleared the skeletons out of the closet.  Presence slays dragons.  It is our super power.

Cultivate the healing field of presence, knowing you will lose it.  When you lose it, have compassion for yourself.  There are so many seen and unseen influences wanting to play you like a puppet.  In truth, presence can never be truly lost.  Presence is our birthright.  Sometimes we just get distracted.