A Personal Account by Margaret Huml, an inspired human who provides excellent company in liminal spaces~
I have crossed the threshold and even in moments when I think I want to go back I cannot. I am in a space between…. A waiting space. Here I sit in this waiting space – not the life I was living, left wondering when I will immerge on the ‘other side’ (whatever that means). I feel glimpses of anger, resentment, sadness…. Sometimes they pull me in deep…. And I want to go back to the discomfort of the way things were before, ironically that felt more comfortable and somehow appealing.
When I look outside of myself, I see all that I perceive needs to be different, needs to change, decisions that need to be made…. And a wave of overwhelm washes over me entirely. I have been trained that if I am not making a decision, than I am indecisive, that if I am not DOING than I am not enough………… so what then happens now, in this space between, in this waiting….. where nothing seems to be moving as quickly as I am used to.
I breathe. I tap into my Being. And here I can see with new eyes. I can see that the healing timeline is a lie…. There is no finish line, no decisions to be forced into existence. The path to healing is through…. And how do I get through my noisy mind asks…… sit and breathe my heart responds.
So I sit as best as I am able, for as long as I am able. Even when I want to run, I sit. I sit and breathe into the discomfort, into the ugliness, into the unraveling, into the stillness, I notice. And when I reach my maximum, I pause, I breathe again, I take a break (no shame) and come back to my BEing when I am able.
Maybe this liminal space, this space between, this waiting room…..maybe, just maybe, it is beautiful. Yes it is wonderfully slow (according to societal standards) and it is unknown. I am grateful for the space of curiosity that is accessible here, so I tend to myself with gentleness, with compassion, with love. From a state of BEing.
Inevitably my noisy mind becomes restless and prodding and I come to a moment when I can no longer notice with curiosity….. so I move with it. I wander in nature. I breathe. My chaotic mind tells me this walking is gluttonous…. Yet my body knows it is healing. Wandering in the woods, I am with it, the space between.
In this waiting space I search for anchors – anchors in nature – anchors in community – anchors in unconditional positive regard. So I show up here. Even when I feel messy. Even when I feel weary. Sad. Ugly. I show up without the “right” words, without knowing the way. And I wait. There is beauty in the waiting. Even when it can feel excruciating.
Expansion and contraction are equally valuable. Even though I prefer expansion – simply because my DOING mind justifies my existence here…. For me, expansion ticks the box of “I’m doing it right” or “I am winning” and yet contraction is the feeling in my body that represents a depth of meaning – can I meet myself where I am at, in this moment even when (especially when) I am not fond of this moment, this experience, this feeling….. there is meaning here, so I wait. I cultivate self-compassion, because I need a load more of that.
I am grateful for this community where I am held in love. Where you hold me able to sit in uncomfortable spaces that I have not allowed myself to before. And rather than greeting this space with tolerance (my typical grin & bear it approach), I am sitting, waiting to meet this space with compassion. I remind myself sometimes the significant thing is to breathe. To sit. To wait. Healing is a process not a destination. This space that we have created is a healing field – it is a sacred space that has been provided to me so that I may recognize what is whispering to be heard, to acknowledge it, to be with it, to tend to it and possibly to befriend it. This space is a gift, and although it feels turbulent at times, that’s ok. Here in this space I am not lost I am found. I am connected with source. I am connected with my Being. I am connected with community.
I see that my impatience to get to the other side is a manifestation of my noisy Doing mind – when I can hear my heart it reminds me that a life wandering a healing path is a life well LIVED. And clearly it is a beautiful journey because it has gifted me each of you.
As I am in the middle of it and you are in the middle of it and the WORLD is in the middle of it, our healing ripples out to our community and throughout the world~ (Huml, 2021)