Why Attachment Matters

Attachment reflects how securely rooted we are in our ‘real’ selves (congruence) and how confident we are to navigate life’s challenges (sense of coherence).

I’ve been exploring the concept of attachment for some time now and just recently developed a felt sense of secure attachment, perhaps for the first time.  Neither I nor my parents experienced secure attachment as children, evident in part by how we overcompensate, fixating on DOing instead of BEing, fuelled by a fear of not being good enough. After minding this area for some time now, I’ve begun attaching to my inner child and mirroring this same attachment with my children. This more secure form of attachment emerges from a place of abundance instead of fear and the ripple effects are astounding. 

As it turns out, learning to securely attach to myself and others is breaking a generational cycle of trauma born from the disconnection and insecurity I felt in my developmental years.  Investing in this ability to securely attach deepens my roots, providing the groundedness necessary to move more confidently in the world, which is enabling me to pass this same gift to my offspring.   

Before I get too far, I want to be clear that very few people securely attach all the time.  Most of us struggle with attachment and the process to gain more security is often slow and subtle.  When we get stressed, the vast majority of humans will tend toward anxious or avoidant behaviours – this is normal!

In childhood, our ability to attach to a primary parent or guardian forms the basis of our adult attachment style (Bowlby, 2012). Our ability to connect to a primary caregiver as children impacts our ability to forge healthy connections to others as adults.  If we felt rejected by our caregiver’s inability to emotionally connect, we tend to cling (anxiously) to others.  If we felt smothered because they relied on us to meet their emotional needs, we tend to retreat (avoid) from others.  Our attachment develops in stages ranging from immature dependent security, completely dependent on others for security, to mature dependant security, where we can give and receive in our connection to others from a secure sense of self (Blatz, 1967). For example, those who are closer to the dependant side of the spectrum tend to come from a glass half empty approach, yearning to be filled by others.  Those closer to mature dependant security tend to come from a glass half full perspective, connecting from a more grounded and optimistic place. People able to progress through the stages and come to mature dependent security will form mutually interdependent relationships in their adulthood (Blatz, 1967).  Interdependence is a balance of recognizing our dependence on others and honouring our independence as a unique individual. 

Because of our progression through the attachment stages, in adulthood we will gravitate to one of three broad attachment categories;

  • avoiding attachment,
  • secure attachment (springing from perceived unconditional positive regard as a child),
  • anxious attachment.

The latter two (avoidant and anxious attachment) spring from perceived conditional regard and rejection as a child (Bretherton & Munholland, 1999). Children with repetitive and/or unresolved trauma may also develop avoidant attachment styles even when experiencing unconditional positive regard (Morina, Schnyder, Schick, Nickerson, & Bryant, 2016). Unfortunately, most of us fall along the edges of the attachment spectrum, either avoiding intimacy or anxiously attaching to others, with those who easily form secure attachments in the minority. The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed traits. Like most of our inner workings when we come to recognize our attachment style and the patterns (either negative or positive) that spring from it, we have a new opportunity to heal the old wounds at the roots.  In time and with mindful practice, we can re-orient ourselves and our relationship.

The solution for the anxious attacher is to satisfy their self-esteem needs.  They do this by developing unconditional positive regard for self.

The solution for the avoidant attacher is to satisfy their agency needs, enabling them to express themselves authentically.  They do this by cultivating relationships where they feel unconditionally positively regarded by others.

When insecurities present, those on the more anxious end of the spectrum tend to feverishly seek others to anchor to, fixating on relationships from a blueprint of scarcity, which often fuels anxiety and co-dependent relations.  When those on the avoidant end feel insecure, they are far more likely to lean back, disconnecting from external relationships, feeling too unsafe to expose their felt sense of vulnerability.  In between these two tendencies, in the middle of the attachment spectrum, is secure attachment.

What does secure attachment look and feel like?  Ideally, as children we can fall into a felt sense of safety, where we feel unconditionally positively regarded (UPR) by someone we trust and look up to.  This felt UPR makes us feel inherently worthy, separate from our ability to perform and achieve.   When we believe we are inherently worthy, we become self-compassionate, mirroring this same UPR inwardly.  By feeling safe enough to securely attach to another trusted human, we also learn attach to our inner world, promoting a greater ability to self-soothe when we experience challenges.   

When securely attached to self and others, the calamities of life are less threatening. They may be noisy and distracting, but they are distinct from the signal of who we are.  From this place, because we know who we are and the wealth of resources within us, we can confidently manage challenges (the noise). When we lack this attachment to self, we are prone to over-identify with the noise that presents, confusing who we are with unpredictable events and opinions that are largely out of our control.  From this insecure place, we often fixate on DOing to compensate for the dis-ease we feel inside.  Our actions emerge from a fear of not adding up, afraid we will not be good enough if we stop DOing.  From this fearful place, we grasp onto substances, events, and busyness to soothe us.  How we relate to others from this place of fear emerges in avoidant (emotionally disconnected) or anxious (emotionally clinging to others) attachment tendencies.

What are your attachment tendencies?

Using the following lists of characteristics, adapted from Wei, Russell, Mallinckrodt and Vogel’s Experiences in Close Relationship Scale (2007), notice which category you most resonate with. Consider your experience of past relationships and currents ones. Remember, our attachment tendencies are not fixed and we can move either direction on the spectrum, based on past adversities, our sense of coherence, and our degree of congruence.

Those closer to the anxious attachment end of the spectrum are more likely to resonate with these characteristics:

  • I need a lot of reassurance that I am loved by my partner.
  • I find that my partner/friends don’t want to get as close as I would like.
  • My desire to be very close sometimes scares people away.
  • I often worry about being abandoned.
  • I worry that romantic partners won’t care about me as much as I care about them.
  • I get frustrated if romantic partners are not available when I need them.
  • When it comes to goodbyes, and many other transitions, I draw it out, afraid to let go.

Tips to soften anxious tendencies:

You are more likely to focus on external stimuli than internal stimuli. As a result, subtle feelings often go unnoticed until they build and compound, until they feel intense and overwhelming. Stress/anxiety emerges from a fear of not getting our basic need for love and acceptance met. Taking a step back from the intensity of the emotion enables you to keep the feeling in perspective, investigate it with a sense of curiosity, and with mindfulness practice and time, to re-orient yourself. If you cannot gain perspective (objectivity through non-attachment), talking to an objective other, such as a friend or counsellor, can be helpful.  As Fred Rogers once said, “anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”

Practice attending to what is happening internally simultaneously with what is happening with the other person. Holding both experiences (the inner and the outer) connects you to your inner world, enabling it to ground you as you navigate the external.  Notice any tendencies to take the blame for conflict in relationships. When you take responsibility for something, take a step back, get curious, and see if you can come at the situation from a self-compassionate and impartial perspective.

Besides strengthening your connection to the inner world, take stock of your external resources and relationships. Try relationally diversifying yourself, which prevents you from putting all of your relational eggs/needs in one basket/person.

Those who tend to avoid attachment are more likely to resonate with these characteristics:

  • I rarely turn to my romantic partner in times of need.
  • I want to get close to my partner, but I keep pulling back.
  • I don’t often turn to my partner for things, including comfort and reassurance.
  • I try to avoid getting too close to my partner.
  • I don’t often discuss my problems and concerns with my partner.
  • I often feel nervous when partners get too close to me.
  • I dislike saying goodbye, and many other lingering transitions, I’d much rather avoid the emotions associated.

Tips to soften avoidant tendencies:

You are more likely to retreat inwardly, keeping emotions to yourself, and to ruminate on fears (worry) when uncertainty presents. Practice interrupting this pattern by talking about your emotions to another person or if more comfortable, talk to the emotion.  Talking about or to the emotion creates a space between the emotion and the essence of who you are, enabling you to notice when ruminating, to question the veracity of the thoughts behind the emotion and to stop over identifying with it.  If you cannot gain objectivity (unable to step back) from strong emotions and negative thoughts, try interrupting the stress response by reaching out to connect with someone, or shake it off with a bout of intense exercise, or bathe in nature, or any activity that sparks desire and promotes relaxation.  Working with your biology and exploring tools that mitigate stress improves your sense of coherence (confidence to manage external events) and practicing vulnerability and self-expression promotes congruence (confidence to tap into inner resources). 

Starting out slow is important, ensuring that you don’t suffer from a vulnerability hangover, which can make matters more challenging by activating the stress response.  Small steps keep you moving forward, practicing in ways that feel safe and that enable you to remain objective, or at least to maintain windows of objectivity.  If you take too large of a step, you may find your felt need to retreat (stress response) overrides your efforts. If you retreat, that’s okay, it’s part of the learning process; this is how we learn to titrate the process, moving only as fast as we feel safe to do so.

Trust takes time and part of gaining trust is learning to trust yourself and the pace in which you feel safe moving. Experiment with different techniques, with getting close to others. Try leaning on people in small ways, investigate how it feels. If feelings get intense, practice self-compassion and self-kindness by allowing yourself to take a step back. Taking a break, even stepping back, is not necessarily retreating (although without awareness it can be), rather it can be an opportunity to create space between the event and the emotions activated by the event. The desire to retreat/emotionally dissociate comes from fear. We can catch ourselves before we retreat by noticing when it is happening (catch the felt anxiety or sense of panic emerging) and acting (stepping back) before we react.

To process, digest, and heal the wounds beneath our avoidant tendencies, it helps to identify a ritual such as a stress mitigation tool, hobby you enjoy, time in nature, or a person (or animal) that provides a sense of emotional safety for you. To clarify, we use rituals in these moments to connect and empower, not to distract us from acknowledging and tending to emotional wounds. Rituals cue us, enabling us to find order in moments that feel chaotic. We all need a certain degree of order, grounding us in times of chaos (a component of sense of coherence). These safe spaces, cued and created by ritual, provide an environment where we feel safe to be vulnerable. It takes vulnerability to feel our emotions. We must feel our emotions to walk through grievance and suffering. On the other side of many of the uncomfortable feelings that arise in us is healing is from the suffering associated with old wounds.

Finally, when the intense feelings emerge, take notice. Once you notice, create space by engaging in a comforting ritual or talking to a trusted friend/loved one. When we create safe spaces and cultivate a sense of curiosity, we are more likely to observe and even welcome the experience as it is (rather than resisting it as it is or avoiding it altogether).

Whatever your tendencies, remember to tune in and take your time.  Moving too fast will slow you down.  Moving slow and steady promotes a sense of safety, keeping us connected to our bodies and to our inner resources.  If you find yourself activated, take a step back, reground, reconnect, and celebrate how far you’ve come.  From this optimistic and gracious place, you’ll be ready to step back into the flow.    

Anxiety: Signalling us to remember who we are

Inspired by Crosbie and Helen Watler. Thank you for helping me tune in. For reminding me who I am when I forget…

Many of us are conditioned to avoid anxiety with a variety of creative distracting and sedating strategies. However, on this path toward greater congruence, anxiety can be an ally, signalling us when stray from our values and calling. ‘Signal anxiety’ is a barometer and it requires enough bothersome intensity to get our attention. The term was initially defined as an instinctual tension that occurs when we fear of losing love and acceptance (Freud, 1926; Freud, 1937). It happens the moment we stop feeling that we are unconditionally positively regarded by self or others. Soon enough, because we forgot our inherent worth, we lose sight of who we are and our inherent worth (the signal). As a result, we turn our attention to feverishly decorate ourselves with external assets (the noise), fixating on external approval to gain security. The noise is the conditioning (fixating on DOING and GETTING), which can easily drown out the signal. The noise often presents in the ‘should’ statements we prescribe to ourselves and others.

As a reframe on our typical fear of anxiety, viewing it as a signal that promotes congruence can prevent it from feeling like a stressful threat. From this more objective and heartful space, we have a greater ability to receive message. The message may be difficult to hear, much like it is difficult to listen to an instrument that’s out of tune, but it’s purpose is benevolent, illuminating an area of incongruence for us to tend to. Tending to the incongruence enables us to tune back in, to remember who we are.  As we ground back into our values and calling, our fixation on DOING dissolves and we can get back to BEING.

HOW DO I MAKE IT GO AWAY?

The signal is the frequency that flows from our inner world, providing the inner resources, wisdom, and courage to navigate the outer. We lose access to these inner resources when we aren’t tuned in. If we get out of tune with our signal (remembering who we are), we become ungrounded and out of fear, we turn our focus to attain external security.  When this happens, anxiety is the messenger, signalling that we have forgotten who we are. Signal anxiety disappears when we remember who we are, our inherent worth, beneath cultural conditioning and unrelated to past behavior.

Learning to Breathe into the Noise

When surrounded by noise, we are unlikely to distinguish the signal.  To gain the space (non-attachment) necessary to step back so we can tune into our signal, we must first recognize when we are consumed by it.  Once we see our attachment, we see it as an other, enabling us to dis-identify and eventually let go. As we let go, a space develops between the felt (self or other imposed) conditions prescribed by the world and the noise (pressure to earn our worth by doing). When we dis-identify, we are more likely to see it as a neutral other, rather than a threat.   From this quieter, less threatening space, we tune back into our signal, navigating the outer world from this more meaningful, connected, empowered, and resourced inner space.

Breathing into the Noise:

  • Bring up a situation in your current life where you are feeling insecure.  Continue thinking into this situation until you notice an anxious feeling in your body.  When the anxiety presents, get curious as you note where it is, what it feels like, and how it presents itself.
  • Imagine this felt sense has a double walled balloon around it.  With each deep inhale and exhale fill the space between the two outer walls.  As you are breathing with this visual, lean in to receive the message that is waiting to be heard.  If you find yourself lost in noisy thoughts, go back to breathing into the space between the two outer walls, cultivating more space (non-attachment). From this more spacious place, revisit the message.
  • Once the message is delivered, continue breathing into the space until it is so big that you can visualize the balloon slowly floating away.  Now that we are aware of the noise, seeing it for what it is, we are more able to distinguish it from the signal.

Learning to Tune into the Signal

When we get out of tune with our inherent worth, our values, and our calling, we are likely to look for our security in the outer world. When we can’t love and accept ourselves (lacking self-compassion), we look to others, settling for conditional acceptance and worth. Tuning back in to our signal is about remembering the inherent worth of who we are, beneath our conditioned selves. How do you remember who you are? What resource reminds you that you are inherently worthy and loved?  

Tuning into unconditional positive regard (signal):

  • Bring someone or something to mind, perhaps a person (present or past), your wiser self, or an animal, or a spiritual source. It is not important who or what it is, what is important is how they resonate with your inner signal. The more it ushers you into a felt sense of unconditional positive regard, the more likely it will allow you to sink back into tune with the signal.
  • Taking it a step further, engage in a conversation, a prayer of sorts. Gain a felt sense of BEING with the source (feeling unconditional positive regard), and begin a conversation. Tell it what is on your heart, what is worrying you. Stay connected to the felt sense of love and compassion, allowing you to stay connected to your heart. When finished saying what needs to be said (releasing shame), take some time to listen and observe, bask in the moment and celebrate yourself for walking through this exercise. With practice, you will come to know the voice that flows from signal.  This wise, grounded voice will remind you who you are. Practice just being with this source, engaging in prayer and really listening to the wisdom that emerges.

From this more grounded place, we can step back from the noise, so we can navigate it from a more non-attached and empowered place. Some days comforting affirmations will come to mind. Some days, you will rest in the quietness. Other days, the conditioning (noise) will be too loud to distinguish the signal, making the experience more difficult. Every experience provides an opportunity to expand awareness, cultivate non-attachment when we need it most, and to continue practicing self-compassion (especially, in the difficult moments) as we journey forward.

2020: The Year to Invest in Self-Compassion

Written by: Phillip Dames

I recently sold a successful Financial Planning practice where I designed and managed nearly every facet of people’s financial lives. I came to know what makes a financial plan successful and what causes it to fail. Consistently, there were two factors that determined whether the retirement plan would succeed or require constant tweaking to avoid failure: time and discipline (sticking to the plan).

The earlier we invest for retirement, the more time we expose the funds to the incredible power of compounding interest. Clients who invest early have a higher likelihood of accomplishing their goals and a greater ability to enjoy retirement. Research shows it’s not about how much you invest, but how early, thus allowing the time necessary for the fruits of your labour to ripen.

As an advisor, one of my most difficult responsibilities was keeping clients on their path, sticking to their objectives. A client may spend too much or not save as much as planned, and it was my duty to make sure they knew. When the stock market gets volatile, emotions flair and fear often drives clients to hit the panic button, ready to sell everything, even though that would run counter to the long-term plan. As hard as it is to do, research shows time and time again, we are better off to keep money invested in a well-balanced portfolio and to avoid timing the ups and downs.  Yet, when the stock market declines, we often ignore the research, falling prey to the unchecked fears that prevent us from ‘sticking to the plan.’

Investing in Self-Compassion: Just like financial health, the same principles apply to emotional health: start investing as soon as possible and stay on the path. Self-compassion is a personal resource/asset that provides an unbelievable return on investment. I began investing by incrementally shifting my focus away from a trying to change things on the surface (habits, others, material possessions) to focus on cultivating unconditional positive regard for myself and others.  Ironically, from this new space, habits that no longer serve me are effortlessly falling away.

As I began investing in this self-compassionate process, I quickly realized that to offer unconditional compassion to others, I must first be able to offer and fully receive it to and from myself. I’m learning how to do this by reframing how I talk to myself through a kind, loving lens. Leading up to this shift I would often talk negatively to myself or question my ability as a father or husband. I wasn’t aware of the habitual negative dialogue until I could step back and offer myself a different point of view. The harsh discussions I was having in my head would sadly spill over into other relationships with those closest to me, especially my children. I would often catch myself talking to them like I was talking to myself and it hurt to realize that that negativity was spilling over to the lives of those closest to me. Something needed to change, and I had no idea it was so simple and so joyful.

As we learn to access our emotions, creating an environment where compassion is ever-present is vital. This allows you to sit with your emotions and view them as a valued messenger, not a threat, providing important information to consider. Once I can establish that they are just emotions, I do not feel threatened by it. Because I’ve created this safe home within, where I feel deeply grounded in love and acceptance for self, emotions now feel more like visitors to dialogue with rather than threatening strangers. Don’t get me wrong, the process is not perfect and it can feel messy and effortful, especially at first. However, with time and commitment, as with any new habit, effort wanes and soon we catch ourselves talking compassionately to the emotion, without having to consciously do so.

I’ve broken my process down into four steps in an effort to help you establish your own path:

Step one: Create a mantra. This mantra is deeply felt and believed by myself and affirmed by others close to me and it’s easy to remember. I had a professor in college once say “you should be able to easily recite your mission statement at all times, even if someone woke you in the middle of the night and put a gun to your head.” I wanted my mantra to be that simple and ingrained.

My Mantra:

“You are inherently whole. You have all the tools and resources to be an amazing father, husband, and friend”

Step two: Remind yourself of the mantra and practice on yourself.

I am a visual person and when I see things more and more it gets more imbedded in my mind. Once I came up with my mantra, I placed it in several places as a reminder…this way it was consistently on my mind. I put the mantra on my phone background (sad I know) and on my bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker. I rarely look in the bathroom mirror, but for this work, I find it helpful to really embody the mantra. In a household of two high-energy kiddos, I relish in the stillness of the shower, where thoughts and feelings can emerge uninterrupted. Often, before I get in the shower, I will look in the mirror and recite the mantra back to myself while looking at myself eye to eye. Sometimes I will say it with a serious, affirming face, and sometimes I will say it with a joyful, smiling face. When I recite it, I do so in a compassionate, loving way and it is delivered in such a way that I believe it. Then I can get into the shower and have a conversation with myself with a self-compassionate approach.

Step three: Practice talking to yourself through a compassionate lens and be open to who you talk to.

This step can unfold however you are most comfortable. For me, it is important to be alone when having these talks with myself, or whoever I am talking to. I need to enter almost a meditative state to step back enough to have these conversations inside my head, so it is important for me to not have distractions. When I started practicing, I would visualize myself (today) sitting across from myself (20 or 30 years later) somewhere outside. Often, we would sit on two stumps in the forest looking eye to eye or just sitting side-by-side, looking into the forest. I wanted to have these conversations in an area where I felt myself, and I feel myself most in nature.

It is important to be open to talking to someone other than yourself. To be witnessed and to practice receiving unconditional positive regard by another is powerful and empowering. This could be a relationship in your life with someone who provides you with compassion, comfort, and safety. It may be God, a mother, father, brother, sister, friend, or grandparent. Regardless of whom you choose, it is important that they are capable of providing kindness and compassion when you need it most.

Early on when I started having these talks with myself, I would ask my older self to recite the mantra to my current day self while we sat in the forest. Sometimes he would recite it several times, but whenever he said it, I could feel the truth behind it. I would sit, listen, and think about it. By my older self reciting the mantra, it would often spark a discussion between the two of us and in the beginning, I would often question my older self and the mantra out of guilt, shame or fear, but my older self kept loving and affirming until I was convinced it was true in that moment. In that moment I know I am whole, by offering myself unconditional compassion, I can then offer it to others.

As these discussions with myself evolved, I would venture into asking my older self questions to check in and see how I was doing. By asking myself these questions, I was subconsciously testing the container with myself, making sure it really is a safe environment to express emotions that long to be felt. It is similar to a relationship with a new friend you want to get to know on a deeper level; taking small steps to lead to a deeper relationship, rather than huge dramatic steps that might derail the relationship.

In my current relationship with self, I try to do at least one check-in per day, usually in the evenings before I fall asleep or while I shower, or both. I find those times are a peaceful way to connect with myself. If anything is worrying me, it is an excellent time to process it through a lens of compassion. Some questions I will often ask my older self or a topic of conversation are:

  • How am I doing as a father?
  • How am I doing as a husband?
  • I am feeling (insert emotion or physical sensation), can we talk about it? In these conversations I find it very helpful to explore how my physical body is feeling before I focus on emotions.
  • I have had this thought on my mind a lot and I would like to talk about it.
  • I have had a rough day and feel bad about how I reacted to something someone did and I didn’t treat them kindly. Can we talk about that?

Regardless of the questions I ask or things we talk about, my older self (or whoever I am talking to) typically brings things back to my mantra: You are whole. You have all the tools you need to be an amazing father. By starting with my mantra, it allows us both to view things through a compassionate lens while we discuss it. When I feel grounded in low stimulus setting, a dialogue between my current self (CS) with my older self (OS) sounds like this:

OS: Hey bud, is there anything specific you are feeling right now that you want to talk about or has anything been on your mind quite a bit lately?

CS: I am feeling shame and guilt right now.

OS: Where do you feel it and what does it feel like?

CS: It feels like a knot in my belly and then my heart races and I start to sweat. The shame and guilt often evolves into fear.

OS: What do you think it is related to?

CS: Earlier today when I asked the kids to clean up the entry way, I had to ask 4 times before they responded. I yelled pretty loud, and it scared them. Even after they took action, I was not kind and I feel ashamed about how I treated them. At times like that, when emotions are that raw, I worry I’m going to damage them and that scares me. After I settled down, I apologized for raising my voice and my lack of kindness. It was an opportunity to show that I make mistakes too, quite a lot actually.  I am learning how to own my part, learn from the past, release shame, and do my best to make amends whenever possible.  I can now see that mistakes are an opportunity to provide grace, forgiveness, and encouragement when I, and we, need it most.   

OS: How do you feel after you offer an apology to them and talk to them?

CS: I always feel better. It diffuses a lot of the shame I feel, but often the shame comes back at night when there is silence, which is why I like having these talks at night. 

OS: Bud, I want you know something. I have been observing you with the kids and the personal work you have been doing and I could not be prouder of you. Please know that I see the work you are doing. I did also see you snap at the kids and it was a little unnecessary. Maybe you could slow down and take a deep breath before you ask them for a 3rd or 4th time to complete their task. Kids easily get distracted and you operate in an ultra-efficient manner and hold others to that standard. It‘s hard for a kid to meet that standard. I know you are working on this and it’s awesome that you love your kids so much that you are efforting in this way. Everyone will express their emotions and from time to time those emotions may come out in a fashion not everyone likes. In that moment, you are choosing to do the right thing though. You are teaching your kids the value of making a wrong right. You are modelling a level of vulnerability that they will mirror back to you, promoting deeper relational connection. I appreciate you sharing that with me and remember to keep coming back to your mantra…you have all the tools you need to be an amazing dad…and you are using these tools and I see the changes happening. Keep it up man, I am proud of you! Anything else you want to talk about?

CS: I pause for a moment and think before I answer. I take a deep breath and then talk. You mentioned how I hold others to a high standard. That is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel like this relates to how I frequently beating myself up emotionally for small little things that come up throughout the day.

OS: When you talk about emotionally beating yourself up, how does that feel?

CS: I feel sadness.

OS:  When you feel sadness, where do you feel it?

CS:  In my cheeks and in my chest.

OS:  Physically, what does it feel like?

CS:  My cheeks feel heavy, almost saggy.  In my chest, the feeling spans across my shoulders and down about 6 inches. It feels heavy, like there is a rock in my chest.

OS: What do you think you feel sadness for?

CS: I feel sad for myself. That I would be so hard on myself for making a mistake. For berating myself for something as small as spilling a cup of coffee. There is not much grace there.

OS: What about when the kids make a mistake or when they don’t meet your high standards? Is your reaction to self similar to your reaction when the kids make a mistake?

CS: I squirm in my seat a little…Hmmm….great question. Sometimes yes and sometimes no. But in certain situations, yes my reactions have been harsh with shaming undertones and they absolutely do not deserve that.

OS: Do you see how the two are related? If you are kinder and more compassionate to yourself, then that compassion will naturally spill into the relationships with those close to you. If you talk to yourself with a compassionate voice, you will use that same voice with others too. The really amazing thing is you are already working on this. This is all part of the process. Us having this talk is exactly the process and I am so proud of you. Keep it up man, I can already see some big changes.

CS: Thank you for the encouragement. I can genuinely say that my interactions with the kids and my partner have drastically changed since we started these talks. It’s strange and hard to describe, but I feel a level of compassion and patience with the kids that I didn’t know was possible.  These conversations are now the lubricant keeps me connected, fulfilled, and motivated to live wholly, inwardly and outwardly. Thank you for always being here for me.

OS: I am here for you man…whenever wherever. What else, anything else you want to talk about?

CS: I sit and think for a few seconds and answer…I think I got everything off my chest that I wanted to for today. Thanks man.

OS: You bet.  I so enjoy these talks.

Step Four: Integrate the discussions you have with yourself, or whoever it is you talk to, into everyday life

I now find I am spontaneously initiating conversations with myself, making me more self-compassionate throughout the day. I practice by noticing when I go down a rabbit hole of negative self-talk. I then counteract it by reciting my mantra. By doing this, I remember that I am whole and I am doing my best with the tools I have in that moment. By reciting my mantra, it creates a space of positivity and compassion, rather than negativity. In this space I can step back, gaining the objectivity necessary to consciously and kindly shift the thought pattern.

Since I started these compassionate conversations with my wiser self, it’s transformed how I relate to others. I naturally began holding space for these same compassionate conversations with others and at times, I get to then see them mirror it inwardly and outwardly. This is particularly evident with my partner and I, and in how our kids are relating to themselves and to each other. It is infectious! Those near and dear draw closer and in that new deep connection is a richness, joy, and capacity to heal that I had no idea was possible. All this by simply changing the conversation I have with self.

The challenge: Create a space for yourself to explore your relationship with you. Envision a comfortable location where you can settle in as your real self. Imagine an environment where you can let your guard down. Step back from the space, exploring it as a more objective observer. Ask yourself, does this container, this conversation feel safe enough to express my emotions freely? If not, then my challenge to you is to follow the four steps above for four weeks. Follow the steps and create a path to self-compassion that embodies a felt sense of unconditional positive regard. Once your inner home (you) is at peace and full of compassion, you will see a spillover effect onto your outer home (others). Empathy, compassion, and joy will become a rewarding norm where it was previously a struggle. This path is not easy, especially at first, but the joy, compassion, and connections that emerge are more than worth the effort. For me, this small act of showing up for myself and choosing this new path I am on was one of those small tweaks that is and will continue to have dramatic positive ripple effects.Just like our finances, small changes early in our emotional health and well-being has a rapidly fast compounding effect that eventually enables us to shift. These compounding effects will unfold before your very eyes and will be some of the most beautiful instances you will ever see and feel. As you move along this beautiful path, each foot you place in front of the other is an investment in yourself and those around you. These steps may seem small and challenging to you now, but the changes you are making will impact generations.  Much gratitude!

Feeling into our Roots

Many of us can relate to the struggle to attend to emotions when immersed in a high stimulus and service oriented work environments (parenting young children included!). We rarely feel safe enough to express emotions to others and often lack time away from the stimulus to allow us to feel and integrate emotions as they arise. As a result, because we cannot tend to the emotion, despite feelings of urgency to do so, the stress response gets activated. When stressed, it hampers our ability to mindfully step back to navigate the perceived challenge in front of us. If the threat feels intense and we cannot respond to the associated emotion, we will likely react by flighting (anxiety and hostility), fleeing (depression and avoidance), or freezing (disconnecting and dissociating).

Consider the analogy of the phone as the emotional messenger. Emotions are telephone calls bringing us information. If we answer the phone, we receive information unique to us in that moment.

If we avoid answering the phone or turn the ringer off from a place of freeze, disconnecting from the feeling altogether, we block the message from coming through and lose the opportunity to connect to and tend to the felt needs of the body.

If we react to the ringing of the phone from a place of fight and/or flight, instead of answering it, we are likely to activate others by anxiously running around alerting everyone that the phone is ringing. We may even fuel shame by blaming ourselves for the ringing phone, or hit others over the head with the phone in anger.

If we habitually block the message, ignoring (freeze) or reacting (fight-flight) to the phone of our feelings instead of answering it, we miss an important opportunity to connect to the emotion to tend to the wound that lies beneath it.

There are two intertwining and equally important avenues to address our emotional challenges. Adapting the systemic/contextual stimuli and adapting how we respond to our internal stimuli.

Knowing that stress results from a need that feels threatened, it’s helpful to explore exactly what that need is. What we often find is that those events that really get under our skin, activating us quickly and chronically, relate to a past experience when that need was not met. As a result, the current situation gets emotionally fused with an event of the past (emotional transference). Stepping back enables us to de-fuse the situation, getting to the root of the threat so that we can properly tend to it.

The RAINN (Brach, 2013) framework provides a process to help us receive and respond to emotions. When we are empowered to tend to our emotions, we gain agency, buffering us from chronic stress and hostility both of which emerge when we feel out of control.   

Recognize: We can recognize and cultivate an awareness of when we feel anxiety, resentful, disconnected, etc.

Allow: We can allow whatever (refraining from labelling them as good or bad) emotions emerge, staying with our body as they come and go instead of resisting, distracting, or dissociating from them.

Investigate: We can cultivate a sense of non-attachment by exploring the felt sense, following its ebb and flow, noticing how it presents in the body, enabling us to get a sense of the core fear beneath it.

Non-attach: Investigating enables us to see the emotion as an ‘other’, it is not me, it is simply a messenger for me to consider. Non-attachment diffuses the sense of threat as we are no longer identified and fused to the feeling.

Nourish: Once in a position where we can step back, we can come to the emotion from a place of agency. With agency, we can provide unconditional positive regard inwardly (self-compassion), the core ingredient necessary to enable the emotion to pass and the wound beneath it to heal.

Once we tend to the emotion on the personal level, we are far more likely to feel empowered to enact the changes necessary on a cultural and systemic level. A focus on the systems and contexts surrounding us is just as important as the inner work. Working on the outer from an empowered and whole place promotes agency and ensures that the contexts in which we live and work promote or at the very least do not prevent human flourishing.

Reconciliation, stepping out of the box

As a third generation settler, I’ve struggled to connect to truth and reconciliation efforts. While I support the cause, it has never felt applicable to my personal day to day life, until recently…

As I’ve started to awaken to who I am, separate from conditioning, I’m also awakening to the dehumanizing nature of the system we live and work in. This rigid, perfectionistic system is a living breathing result of colonization (establishing control over people/forcing assimilation to one way of being) and the truth is, I spend a good part of my day reinforcing it.

Colonization Hurts (everyone)

Ironically, I’ve spent years working on inner reconciliation, making peace with adversities from childhood, making amends with those I’ve wronged, and by updating old and unhelpful belief systems. No matter the inner work, I recognize that I walk around each day forcing myself into the neat little boxes prescribed to me from a young age. I don’t enjoy stepping into these boxes. They feel rigid, predictable, and lifeless. To fit inside, I must make myself small, quieting my inner voice so I can assimilate. Once inside the box, I don’t feel good. I feel oppressed, held down, ashamed because my real self does not feel welcome there. I must quiet my authentic self, instead taking on the ideal display prescribed to me. Inside this box, my emotions feel threatening because they tell me to get out, that it’s not safe, that I don’t fit there. I’m feeling threatened because I know these emotions are important messengers, telling me what needs to be done to heal, to self-actualize into my most authentic and best self, but, that box is all I’ve known for so many years, I’m too afraid to step out. What if I’m alone out there? What if I shed the walls around me, revealing my true self only to face rejection? And then, after ruminating on these thoughts, I freeze, immobilized from acting, and so I stay in the box. I retreat to a feeling of safety, clinging to the familiar walls, finding comfort in the predictability they bring.

In this individualist culture, we like our boxes. There is the box we work in, which we spend much of our lives serving feverishly, rewarded by extra letters that bolster the power and respect of our birth names. Then there are all the other boxes that we hop in and out of, the church box, the parent box, and the gotta look socially competent box.

I spend most of my day moving between boxes, wearing them like a well-insulated jacket and then removing it when it no longer serves it’s purpose. And what purpose is that? I want to be accepted and loved, I want to feel like I belong to something bigger than myself. Each box holds a promise of a sense of belonging and somehow, that deep primal need seems to justify putting my ‘real’ self to sleep. Waking up feels dangerous. I’ve served this colonized system for so long that I’m afraid to be free of it. I’m afraid that if I step outside of the walls, I …. I don’t know, and that not knowing terrifies me.

And then it happened…I found people like me, people that want to step out, be free, be seen and in that seeing, to love and be loved, sans boxes. Even more exciting is that this box burning work is infectious and sure enough, an entire community is emerging all around us.

It’s time to open our eyes to the consequences of colonization. We all carry trauma from this colonized system we live in. To genuinely reconcile with others, we must first face our truth, reconciling with who we are in this world and how in our sleepiness we continue to contribute to colonization.

I am coming to know that we are more than the boxes we hide in. We are so much more…

Finding our People

Community and Polyvagal Theory

We all need people. Let’s be each others’ people…

Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011) interweaves with Maslow’s Theory of Unmet Needs (1943) and Attachment Theory (Bowlby, 2012), impacting what and how we perceive stimuli, our ability to emotionally regulate, to be in authentic relationships, and to mitigate or interrupt the stress response. Polyvagal theory shifts us away from the idea that compulsive behaviours reflect a lack of willpower. Quite the opposite, when unaddressed, the nervous system directs behaviour before our thinking mind can intercede. Behaviours reflect the state of our autonomic nervous system (Flores & Porges, 2017). Relating this process to what is known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the nervous systems is reacting to a past threat before our conscious mind can objectively evaluate the situation. Once the brain floods with chemicals, we are often unable to make objective decisions, causing us to react before conscious choice can occur.  In this way, when activated, depending on the intensity of the felt threat, conscious choice/willpower is not a part of the equation.  

In terms of how we attain homeostasis, according to Polyvagal Theory, we retrain these neuropathways through social interactions that feel safe. When we as a community understand Polyvagal Theory, we have a great opportunity to rewire our neural pathways through relationships of unconditional positive regard. Rewiring neural pathways in a group setting improves our ability exercise secure attachment, as opposed to anxious or avoidant reactions. When we practice this new way of being with others, being witnessed and received with unconditional positive regard, we are more apt to then integrate the shift outside of the circle. Embodying this secure (not avoidant or anxious) way of being with our people empowers us to keep trying to show up, expressing our authentic self with other people and in other contexts.

When we authentically show up in community with others who feel safe, we are working in tandem with neuroception, inhibiting the stress response, and promoting an ability to thrive as our authentic self (Flores & Porges, 2017). Because connection is at the heart of healing and reframing, the work of our time is to shift from our individualist and often disconnected ways, enabling us to collectively heal from trauma. Perhaps from an individualist lens we believe we are safer alone but given the current mental health crises emerging amid individualist cultures, the flaws imbedded in this way of being is clear. Through connection we have a far greater ability to heal from past trauma, surrounded by people who remind us that we are whole and so abundantly and inherently worthy of love.

Mind your Head

Partnering with our Neurology

Thriving brains navigate challenges before they become stressors. They self-regulate and they make conscious choices that promote wellness.  In reality, we frequently carry unhealed past adversities and live and work in over stimulating and often energetically toxic environments, all of which takes an immense toll on our neurology.  To objectively and creatively work with our neurology, we may need to explore and accept vulnerabilities that may not be immediately changeable, so we can focus on what we can change.  From this place of acceptance, we can spring into action in a new empowered way. 

Our brain cells communicate through electrical patterns called brain waves, categorized as alpha, beta, delta, gamma, or theta.  Each of these patterns represents different states of consciousness, depending on whether we are relaxed, sleeping, meditating, concentrating, alert, frightened, etc.  We frequently measure these waves via a non-invasive electroencephalography (EEG).  When in states of stress and anxiety, we tend to operate from high frequency beta waves.  When relaxed, we operate from lower frequency brainwaves.  The good news is that we can transition between these states via mindfulness, meditation practices, and binaural beats.  Training our brains in this way has many benefits such as promoting relaxation, enhancing performance, reducing stress, pain, migraines, and a host of mental health related problems (Cruceanu & Rotarescu, 2019; lee et al., 2019; Rebadomia et al., 2019). By training our brains using meditation, neurofeedback, binaural beats, or other entrainment tools, we learn to recognize when we enter lower frequency brain wave states and with practice, we can mindfully shift into more productive states.  We spend most of our day operating from predominantly from beta wave states, which is often fitting, keeping us alert and focused as we move throughout our day.  However, when Beta waves are dominant, especially in higher frequencies, they limit creativity and can cause hyper alertness, which fuels stress, anxiety, and burns up our energy.  In this high alert state, our nervous system is more likely to get activated, pushing us into fight-flight or freeze, and reducing our ability to objectively act.   

Depending on our neurology, mindfulness/meditation history, and unique preferences, what works for one individual to shift out of Beta wave states, enabling us to relax and gain important insights, may or may not work for another.  For instance, those who regularly practice meditation will have a greater ability to maintain the concentration needed to shift with traditional sitting meditation methods.  Some need a physical ritual like running, walking, yoga, sweeping, etc. to shift to lower frequencies.  Others prefer repetition and vibration using chants such as ‘OM’ to transition to other states (Anand, 2014; Harne, & Hiwale, 2018).   From Beta, we can move to:

Alpha waves, commonly accessed via mindfulness, promote a relaxed state of alertness that promotes reflection, relaxation, and cognitive performance (Cruceanu & Rotarescu, 2013; Rebadomia et al., 2019). With practice, we can sink deeper into the lower frequencies.   

Theta waves promote memory consolidation (Reiner, Rozengurt, & Barnea, 2014) and a greater ability to recognize unwanted prejudices towards others, enabling them to act counter to ingrained instinct hey can recognize the difference between the rational course of action and the ingrained instinct (Cavanagh, Guitart-Masip, Huys, Frank, 2013).   In Theta, we are more likely to practice non-attachment, enabling us to objectively navigate challenges, and to re-orient ourselves via renaming and reframing.

Gamma waves are the subtlest of the brainwave frequencies, requiring a quiet mind and yet when in this state, we are highly active, with enhanced focus, heightened senses, consciousness, compassion, and a greater felt sense of inner and outer connection.   We can access and sustain gamma waves by practicing a variety of focused loving-kindness practices (Berkovich-Ohana, Glicksohn, & Goldstein, 2012; Lutz et al., 2004).  Within this frequency, promoting open-heartedness, we are likely to feel more connected and a greater sense of wellbeing. Because Gamma waves promote feelings of well-being and connection to self and others, those who lack time in Gamma states are more likely to feel disconnected and depressed (Khalid et al, 2016). 

Delta waves promote relaxation and sleep modes.  It makes sense that those who operate in high frequency beta states, rapidly burning energy stores, may subconsciously gravitate to rituals to shift to a more relaxing state.

Our mental health and related behaviors and rituals are closely linked to brain wave states (Newson & Thiagarajan, 2019).   Some conditions such as Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder typically occur in individuals who are more lower frequency dominant: delta and theta, with decreases in alpha, beta, and gamma (Newson & Thiagarajan, 2019; Travis, 2019). In terms of addictions fueled by high frequency beta states, the addictive behavior is likely shifting the brain in a helpful way.  Our behaviours and rituals span a variety of culturally acceptable and not so acceptable activities and mind altering substances. Whether labelled bad or good, if we objectively explore our behaviours, we may find they are indeed shifting us into the more focussed or restful state we are craving.  These shifts may be described as ‘zoning out’ or ‘switching gears,’ but in neurological terms, we are transitioning between brain wave states (Newson & Thiagarajan, 2019).  Given these behaviours or rituals may be serving us in this way, if we want to make changes, reducing harm, we will be far more successful if we can replace them with new rituals that serve us in this same way.  Furthermore, to interrupt unwanted habits, we often need to re-orient ourselves, relating to the behaviour in a new, non-threatening way.  Genuine and lasting re-orientation typically happens in lower frequency brain wave states when our sense of threat is low, we are relaxed, and open hearted; this is why hypnotism can be so effective in interrupting habits (Li et al., 2017).  Essentially, if we hope to change behaviours,  it is important to consider how we can self-compassionately and creatively work with our neurology to set ourselves up for success.

Think of an activity that helps you relax.   Quite likely, the mental and/or physical ritual you are thinking of is putting you into an alternate brain state that is enabling you to shift to a preferable state of consciousness.  If a habit is helping us move to a more restful brain state, we can expect resistance when we try to break it.  For example, if you want to change a habit that is currently the one tool that helps you switch gears, zone out, tune down, etc., you will need to find a substitute, reducing reliance on the unwanted behavior.  This is where we get to try on several tools, play with them, see what resonates, and cultivate a new habit from there.

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Viewing Human Needs and Stress through a Different Lens

Working with Chakras

Chakras are portals to the human energy field. In the west, the consideration that chakras impact mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health is relatively new, lacking familiarity and research. However, a few studies show a significant connection between one’s spiritual connection, as reflected in chakra theory, and the expression of physiological and psychological pathologies (Curtis, Zeh, Miller, & Sequoyah, & Rich, 2004; Drapkin, McClintock, Lau, & Miller, 2016). In the many areas of the east, chakras are a significant contributor to spiritual, emotional, and physical wellbeing. In Sanskrit, the term chakra means wheel, representing the symbiotic and holistic nature of the energy centers in our bodies.

While there are many Chakra models, a commonly adopted model in the west describes seven core energy centers, each of which has its own vibrational frequency and function that contributes to wellness. Much like a river that becomes stagnant when unable to flow, when energy blockages occur, diseases can fester. Even if you don’t resonate with Chakras, guided meditations are a great way to develop concentration, enabling you to sustain mindfulness.  Furthermore, the loving-kindness component in many of these practices are an excellent way to cultivate self-compassion.  

Relating Chakras to Maslow’s theory of unmet needs (1943), each of the Chakra centres represents a basic human need.  When we avoid or ignore our inner signals, often drowned out by the noise of thoughts and external stimuli, energy gets trapped in the body, and much like the river analogy above, causes blockages that impact our ability to maintain emotional, physical, and spiritual homeostasis.  When these blockages occur, held up by an unmet need, we experience a sense of threat, which triggers the nervous system to mount a stress response.  Depending on the intensity of the sense of threat, those struggling with PTSD (many of us in various forms and frequencies!) are then at risk of emotional transference, whereby the event is fused with an unresolved past threatening event or belief system.  

We, whether in the east or the west, whatever our income, social status, theoretical and political beliefs, all long to feel secure in our ability to have our physical needs met (Root Chakra), to feel safe (Sacral Chakra), to be loved and to belong (Solar Plexus Chakra), to have unconditional positive regard/Esteem for self and others (Heart Chakra), to express our ‘real’ selves in the world (Throat Chakra), to self-actualize into our most connected, meaning filled, and empowered self (Third eye Chakra), and to feel held by benevolent forces greater than ourselves (Crown Chakra).

Exploring the Most Primary Need(s): Recognizing Core Blockages

When a need goes unmet that feels primary compared to what may feel less pressing, we will often fixate on the most primary need, neglecting the others until we resolve it.  These primary needs are not always linear, depending on cultural conditioning, core wounds that need tending to, and a variety of other seen and unseen complexities. For instance, we quite likely will prioritize needs such as food, shelter, warmth, and safety, paying less attention to a esteem and connection.  Or perhaps we have a long held belief system that we are somehow not good enough, causing us to prioritize the approval of others, ensuring we attain an ideal image to do so at the cost of our ability to self-actualize into our most authentic and empowered self.  

I’ve been working on getting self-compassionately curious. Recognizing, allowing and then letting go of judgmental thoughts so I can look deeper (with an open heart) into what lies beneath my sticky points. Doing this can be immensely empowering as we peel pack the layers and really get to the source of the needs that drive our desires and impulses.

Can you recall an area in your life that that brings you frustration, where you feel and see an obvious area that needs tending to (could use some serious self-care), but you have little to no desire to develop the necessary habits required to resolve it? Consider what other primary unmet need or haunting belief system may be crying out for tending, subconsciously trumping/blocking desires to tend to other needs.

As a westerner, I touch on the concept of Chakras and recognize the risk of cultural appropriation in doing so.  To mitigate any distortions that can occur as a result of plucking practices from one context and dropping them into another, I encourage you to research the principles and history from which the practices emerge.

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Remembering how to play

“Self-care is never a selfish act – it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch” (Palmer, 2000).

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com

Part of coming to know our essence is understanding what sparks our desire. Recognizing and expanding desire and meaning enables us to see through our cultural conditioning, tapping into deep intuitive knowing. Often, it is not an entire activity or event that inspires us, it is certain qualities or a mix of qualities within the topic or format that resonates with our sense of meaning and piques our unique interests, pulling us more fully into the moment. Besides the more obvious pleasure associated with play, engaging in play as adulthood is also a good stress management strategy. 

Playfulness is the ability to transform our environment to make it more enjoyable (Barnett, 2007).

Those that are more playful are less likely to perceive stimuli as stressors and are more creative, adaptive and are also less likely to devolve into isolating and escape oriented reactions (Magnuson & Barnett, 2013). Adults who play are more likely to feel satisfied with life and are more inclined to seek enjoyable activities and to be more active (Proyer, 2013). Finally, while mental fitness benefits are more obvious, those who self-identify as playful are also more likely to maintain their physical fitness (Proyer, Gander, Bertenshaw, & Brauer, 2018).

Now that I’ve highlighted the role of expanding desire, sparking an ability to engage in play, reflect on what qualities spark your sense of desire. Think of one activity that excites you.  Perhaps something that resonates with your inner child as you recall the days when you acted from your essence, easily engaging in play. Do you remember getting lost in a specific activity as a child? Can you recall what qualities of that activity sparked your desire, the moments you caught yourself smiling, laughing, or immersed in a sense of timelessness?

What quality of that moment captured your attention in this way?  How might you expand this quality in your life now?

What are the obstacles to engaging in play or in letting yourself feel and respond to desire? 

What belief systems may be stopping you?   

What actions are necessary to navigate the obstacles?

When will you take these actions?

Start small as you practice noticing and responding to what sparks your desire. Practice self-compassion when you notice yourself quenching desire.  In this way, every action and reaction is a learning and loving opportunity.

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Learning to Center

Referring back to the cup illustration (previous blog), imagine each area of self due to heal/remember wholeness is a cup. With each nurturing practice, we add another drop of water to the cup. Eventually, the cup’s surface tension grows to a point that it can no longer remain bounded by the walls of the cup and an undeniable shift occurs. Try several practices, find what resonates with you, invest in developing a nurturing habit and trust that in time, just like cup illustration, the shift will come.

Centreing is about coming back to your center, the unchanging essence of who you are. There are several centring strategies and I recommend you find one that feels natural and enjoyable. For example, below are a few centring techniques:

  • Feel your feet on the ground anytime anywhere (when able, put your bare feet on the earth)
  • Lift your eyes to the sky, imagine this sky as your witness, the all-knowing entity that knows YOU, the YOU that exists behind the conditioning. For some, this looking to the sky is a reminder of a loving and all-knowing God or a higher power, providing a sense of love and acceptance as one is.
  • Focus on the breath, let it anchor you, reminding you that YOU exist outside of the noise of internal and external stimuli. YOU are not the noise, you are the observer of the noise. Each time you focus on the breath, you are stepping back from the noise, cultivating non-attachment and objectivity.
  • Loving-Kindness. Through loving-kindness practice, we learn to lead with the heart, our physical and spiritual centre. So often in the west we are conditioned to lead with the head, analyzing the most efficient, most socially acceptable plan of action. As a result, we can lose our sense of self and the desires that stir and excite us. By reconnecting to the heart, we access the most powerful part of self, centring via loving-kindness practices directed inwardly and outwardly.

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Optimism leads to a longer, healthier life…

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude” (Maya Angelou).

Optimism is a significant component of sense of coherence as it relates to a general sense that all things will work out and a reasonably expectation that the future will turn out favourably because of a sense of control over the outcomes that matter most (Antonovsky, 1979; Lee et al., 2019). Not only does optimism reduce our likelihood of suffering from chronic stress, a host chronic health conditions and mental health ailments (Aldao, Nolen-Hoeksema, & Schweizer, 2010), it may also increase our lifespan by 11 to 15% and improve our odds of us living well into our 80’s and beyond (Lee et al., 2019). 

Negative Bias

In the typical human brain, there is a heavy negative bias, meaning that negative events have a far greater emotional impact on us than positive ones, and that negative events linger longer in our memory than positive ones. This negative bias is significantly higher for those who are struggling with depression (Gollan, Hoxha, Hunnicutt-Ferguson, Norris, Rosebrock, Sankin, & Cacioppo, 2016). While negative bias was helpful in keeping us safe in primitive times, it is not so helpful in our modern everyday lives. Becoming more optimistic requires a conscious effort to be mindful when positive events occur, to bring our attention to the positive feelings that result; taking a moment to breathe it in and relish in them. With practice, we can train our brains to pick up on, even look for, the positive aspects of our day, which counter balances our negative bias. 

In the Work Place

Optimistic individuals habitually reappraise workplace stimuli in a positive light and identify opportunities within challenges. We can learn to be more optimistic, cultivating a habit, where we mindfully choose to reframe our perspective.  By doing so, we choose to view the world from a mindset of abundance rather than from a mindset of fear and scarcity. By practicing mindfulness, we are more likely to notice the positive parts of the day such as breathing in the bright blue sky as we look up from our desk or hearing a bird’s song as we walk from our car to our house.  Once we notice the positive, if we take a few moments to attend to it, acknowledge and breath into the way it is making us feel, we are training our brains to focus on the positive rather than fixating on the negative. 

Health and human service work is riddled with events that bring up ethical and or moral dissonance. Most people come to these professions because they want to help others. Feeling unable to do what work sets up serious internal conflict in us. We need to either resolve this dissonance or optimistically re-orient ourselves. Otherwise, we will gravitate toward pessimism and hostility. For example, in a recent qualitative study (Dames, 2018) with novice caregivers, Candice reflected on her workplace challenges, “we push people out the door because the hospital is exploding…knowing they will fall and come right back…the guilt for me is a product of an overwhelmed system.” Similarly, Mary stated, “there is just such a general lack of resources. It can feel like sometimes there is just nothing you can do for them.” Mary and Candace’s’ stress is a product of moral injury, leading to a felt lack of control. Even in these situations that seem unchangeable, if we can act, even in a small way, we bolster our sense of self-efficacy, preventing us from spiralling into feelings of hopelessness.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us” (Helen Keller, 1929).

Take an Action

While a tendency toward optimism has more well-being benefits than a tendency toward pessimism, sometimes using pessimism to make a change is more important than accepting a situation as it is and re-orienting ourselves around it.  In other words, taking a step back to critically appraise if there is something that can be changed is important; if so, take the steps to change it, if not, accept it and optimistically re-orient yourself. This critical appraisal of events that are causing us discomfort, which may lead to pessimism, enables us to assess the stressor and to determine if we can make a change to remove it. If we apply optimism in every situation, without this objective assessment, it can prevent us from making beneficial changes.  To illustrate this point in the research, Troy (2015) showed a significant relationship between stress, context, and whether we tend toward optimism or positive re-orientation (Troy, 2015). If workplace stress is uncontrollable, where you cannot change the thing or event triggering the stress, employing optimism is the most effective skill to use (Troy, Shallcross, & Mauss, 2010). However, if you can control the stressor or change the context to resolve it, then it is more helpful to employ your self-efficacy to change the context, rather than to positively re-orient your emotions about it (Troy et al., 2010).

Self-efficacy, also an important component of sense of coherence, is the confidence and resulting ability to achieve our goals. Context and self-efficacy determine our ability to manage stressors.  Our workplace context is often littered with stimuli, and it is self-efficacy that prevents us from perceiving those stimuli as stressful. When we reframe our situation optimistically AND tap into a sense of self-efficacy, we are more likely to make changes when we can, and if things cannot be changed, to accept and positively re-orient ourselves.  The Serenity prayer reflects this sentiment:

God, give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, the courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other (Sifton, 1998).

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Cultivating Choice: Drop by Drop until the Cup Overflows

Aligning with trauma informed practice principles, choice is a luxury for many. When we come to a challenge with confidence, enthusiasm, and optimism (high sense of coherence),  we have a greater ability to view stimuli objectively and are more likely act in ways that are congruent with our values and goals. When we come to a challenge with low sense of coherence, often related to unresolved wounds (trauma) and old belief systems from the past, we are prone to perceive the stimuli as threatening.  When threats feel intense, we trigger the nervous system, causing us to react out of fight-flight or freeze, limiting if not completely disabling choice.  When this happens, we are far more prone to react subconsciously, doing or saying things that don’t feel congruent to our values and goals.

To cultivate choice, imagine each effort to come to know, attune, strengthen, clear, and align as one more drop into our resourcing cup.  The fuller the cup gets, the more our sense of coherence and congruence develops, all of which are investments in the cultivation of more choice in our day-to-day perceptions and resulting actions. We may not feel like the individual drops we add to the cup make a difference, but in time the surface tension builds to a point that it can no longer remain as it is.  Eventually, one of those individual drops will cause an undeniable shift, moving us beyond the walls we felt confined by.   There are many areas, old stories in which we are developing or evolving beyond, each with its own cup, slowly filling drop by drop.  As we intentionally invest ourselves, we add another drop. We can trust that in time, emancipation will come, providing us a new found sense of awareness and freedom.  When these overflows occur, perhaps more familiar as an ‘ah ha‘ moment, old belief systems evolve and we awaken to a new way of knowing that deeply and completely changes our perceptions and resulting trajectory.

When we understand this ability and inability to choose, we can offer compassion and forgiveness to ourselves and others.  Because we all share in this human experience, we can at some level relate to the sense of powerlessness and shame that comes when we react from fear.  In this way, we all experience this form of emotional transference, whereby an experience reveals an old wound from the past and it suddenly feels fresh.  Even seemingly small challenges can pull us back to the intensity of the feelings associated with that first core wound, underscoring old and often misguided belief systems, and resulting in spontaneous projections that emerge in a variety of harmful ways.  What if we could look beyond the shame of our reactions, self-compassionately and curiously tending to the wound that lies beneath? What if we saw the experience as a gift, providing an opportunity for healing? As we heal the wounds beneath, we promote a greater ability to respond with a different orientation in the future. In these ways, drop by drop, we cultivate choice.

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Perfectionism: The Pressure to Perform

A recent meta-analysis of over 40,000 college students from North America and the United Kingdom found that perfectionism, whether self/socially/or other prescribed is on the rise, especially among our younger generations (Curran & Hill, 2019). Societal pressures are further compounded by professions with idealized standards imbedded in their culture, setting an unsustainably high bar for its members.

Simply described, perfectionism is the dogged pursuit of absolute flawlessness (Frost et al., 1990) and the driving force behind co-worker hostility.  Maladaptive perfectionism and particularly socially prescribed perfectionism can create toxically stressful environments for those who do not fit neatly into the status quo (Jahromi et al., 2012).  Current healthcare culture often promotes tendencies toward perfectionism; as a result, high levels of anxiety and depression are commonplace (Jahromi et al., 2012). 

Most of us will have experience with perfectionism, some may slip in and out of it in milder and more adaptive forms, while others will spend every waking hour driven by a compulsion to attain a standard that is unreasonably high.  In the more adaptive form, striving for perfection can benefit us as it motivates us to complete work and produce the best product (Harari, Swider, Steed, & Breidenthal, 2018).  When in its more adaptive form, we keep our high standards to ourselves as opposed to socially prescribing our ideals onto others.  We are more likely to be self-motivated, goal oriented, more willing to adapt to obstacles that may delay achievements, and to find satisfaction from our accomplishments (Ellis, 2002).  The downside of perfectionism, evident in its maladaptive forms, is the natural inclination to hold others to the same idealistic standards, which can cause unreasonably high expectations (Melrose, 2011).  If we cannot meet these idealistic standards, detrimental mental health effects often result (Melrose, 2011).  These health effects often correlate with fears of criticism and failure and when left unaddressed can lead to moral injury, emotional exhaustion, and eventual burnout (Chang, 2012; Gould, Udry, Tuffey, & Loehr, 1996; Sevlever & Rice, 2010).

Two perfect doors.  There are two dimensions of perfectionism, ‘excellence-seeking,’ whereby we are driven to achieve high standards and ‘failure-avoiding,’ where we are driven to avoid shortcomings. Both versions are ultimately driven by the same core factors such as black and white thinking, a compulsive need to attain lofty standards, and self-worth evaluations contingent on one’s achievement of their idealized standard (Harari, Swider, Steed, & Breidenthal, 2018; Hewitt & Flett, 1993). 

Perfectionism spilling into the workplace. When mired in perfectionism, we are likely to dissociate from emotions, often ignoring and internalizing fears of worthlessness, shame, and failure (Petersson, Perseius, & Johnsson, 2014; Shafran, Cooper, & Fairburn, 2002).  Over time, this habitually defensive way of being will cause an overall lower tolerance for exposure to stress (Ellis, 2002; Petersson et al., 2014).  These maladaptive forms of perfectionism lead to self-destructive behaviours, which extend into prescribing the same unrealistic expectations onto others (a phenomenon called socially prescribed perfectionism).  Socially prescribed perfectionism uses shaming tactics to pressure others to live up to unrealistically high standards and when culturally reinforced, it has toxic effects on workplace morale, resulting in a chronic workplace stressor.

Perfectionism and sense of coherence (SOC) inversely link (Rennemark & Hagberg, 1997); those who have a low sense of coherence score have higher perfectionism scores; therefore, improving sense of coherence buffers us from extreme forms of perfectionism (Rennemark & Hagberg, 1997). 

Going Back to Move Forward

Using EMDR, CBT, and other exposure techniques (on our own or with another) to reduce stress

When we fall into states of fight-flight or freeze, we cannot objectively work through difficult thoughts and resulting emotions, often leaving them unresolved, fuelling the same old cyclical event-response behaviour. However, the theory behind exposure therapy is that by re-imagining the event at another time, when we feel safe and supported in our environment, we get another chance to work through and update the old (and often no longer true) thoughts. To feel and then release the associated emotions.

Several therapies that have shown promise in the research as tools that help us go back to the stressful event so we can re-experience from a more confident and empowered orientation (with a higher sense of coherence). As a result, we can feel the emotions that need to be felt and with practice, upgrade old belief systems that fuelled the stressor in the first place. Doing this re-exposure work after the stress response passes, is a great way to prevent future or reduce the intensity of future triggers.  Others will want a more formal therapeutic environment to facilitate the feelings of safety necessary to stay present and connected (avoiding triggers that promote dissociation).  

Two popular therapeutic tools that support re-exposure are EMDR and CBT.

EMDR involves eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, which as the title suggests can involve a variety of techniques to direct the eyes back and forth while re-imagining a triggering event. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) brings awareness to the relationship between thoughts (conscious, automatic, core beliefs beneath) and behaviours. This technique works toward behaviour change through self-monitoring, scheduling, and exposure-response prevention.

In an extensive meta-analysis of studies over the past decade, researchers (Khan et al., 2018), found EMDR and CBT to be equally effective at reducing depression but EMDR was superior in its ability to reduce anxiety and PTSD symptoms.

Ultimately, re-exposure practices, whether or not part of formal therapy, are an excellent tool to work with past traumas projecting into the present day, reducing their intensity until they are no longer a perceived threat. We can practice with this tool on our own or with another, reducing our future risk of falling into fight-flight-freeze when a similar situation arises.

Developing our self-compassionate muscles…

Kristin Neff, a seminal researcher on Self-Compassion, developed a short and affirming exercise called the self-compassion break (2019) and it is a favourite of mine. For this adapted exercise, you begin by closing your eyes and recalling a person or event that is triggering a stress response. Focus on the situation, engaging your heart and mind so that you experience the stress of that moment. From this space, you will talk to yourself just like you would talk to a dear friend. You will begin by mindfully reminding yourself that:

1. “This right now is a moment of stress” (or hurt, pain, suffering, whatever sounds most natural for you).

2. “You aren’t alone, these feelings (pain, suffering) is a normal (natural) part of life.” “Other’s struggle in this way too.”

3. Think of a phrase that you most need to hear right now, something that expresses empathy and kindness. For this, you can speak in the I, or continue to speak to yourself as you would a dear friend, whichever enables you to receive it best. For example, you might say:

“you deserve compassion in this moment”

“I fully love and accept you as you are right now”

“May you forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now. Making mistakes and learning and growing as we go is part of life.”

“May you have the courage to be imperfect.”

“Even though I feel…. I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

This self-compassionate exercise reminds us that difficult emotions are a part of life, that we are not alone, and that we are deserving of unconditonally positive regard.

Neff, K. (2019). The Self-Compassion Break. Retrieved from https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

Find a home where you can shine brightly…

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Pexels.com

… like a diamond, pressed down time and time again, until all that is left is a powerful gem, shining for all the world to see. May you take this journey, fully and deeply realizing that the path that led you to today, the suffering you continue to feel, is no longer a threat to you my friend, it is a vehicle to awaken to a new, more authentic, and more empowered way.

May this journey help you cultivate a community of individuals that will remind you of who you are when you forget, that provide you with a mirror that fills you up with a felt sense of unconditional positive regard, so that you can freely express your magnificent self.

May you cultivate a love so deep inside you so you can find rest in an inner home, that safe place where you are so filled with unconditional positive regard from others and for yourself that it spills into the world around you. This is the journey through suffering, awakening to a new way…

… like a diamond, pressed down time and time again, until all that is left is a powerful gem, shining for all the world to see. May we take this journey, fully and deeply realizing that the path that led us to today, the suffering we continue to feel, is no longer a threat to us friends, it is a vehicle to awaken to a new, more authentic, and more empowered way.

May we cultivate a community of who witnesses who we ‘real’ly are, reminding us of who we are when we forget.  May we allow ourselves to believe and receive a felt sense of unconditional positive regard so fully that we can mirror the same inwardly.  From this place of safety and acceptance, we will have the courage to freely express our magnificent selves.

May we cultivate this love so deep inside us that we find rest in an inner home, that safe place where we are so filled with unconditional positive regard from others and for your that it spills over onto this sacred planet and the precious beings that move upon it. This is the journey through suffering, awakening to a new way.

May we step into the river of life, letting go of the effort to calculate and control how and where it flows, surrendering to the point where we find joy in the means of the journey, trusting in a benevolent and enriching end.

And finally, may we let go of the old belief systems that rely on willpower and perfectionism, fueling all sorts of unnecessary suffering. Let’s choose a new journey, one full of opportunities to fuel ourselves with endless pools of unconditional (unconditioned) love, acceptance, desire, and even fun – fuelling our confidence to express ourselves in this magical world. From this place of joy and wholeness, we can truly love and serve one another and this gracious planet we share life with.

Brains that Thrive

Follow the Clues: Anxiety and Depression

Between unresolved trauma and biological imbalances, dropping into the inner space to self-soothe can be too painful, making it difficult, and for some even impossible, without an intervention. We all have unique needs. Some people may resolve much of their anxiety and depression by removing the the emotional charge of past trauma, using cortisol lowering tools, and engaging in mindfulness, while others will need something more to drop in, to self-sooth. There is no shame in reaching out for external support to work with our biology, promoting greater contentment, optimism, and objectivity (all components of sense of coherence).  In fact, many will find that when they find an intervention such as a particular therapy, a supplement or medication that works for them, they wonder how they have survived so long without it. Canadian data is limited but according to the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (Pratt, Brody, & Gu, 2017), 17% of Americans between the ages of 40-59 years and 19% of people over 60 use anti-depressants to treat symptoms stemming from anxiety and depression. Females are more likely to take antidepressants than males. To be clear, medications, including herbs and the supplements that provide the building blocks that enable us to produce important chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin, are not the focus of this curriculum, but they are additional and often necessary tools to manage biology and emotions, enabling a greater ability to self-soothe. For these reasons, medications and external therapies are worth mentioning.

Besides traditional pharmaceuticals and therapies, plant-based remedies are emerging in the research, many of which are showing promising results. For instance, we can support our brains ability to make serotonin (associated with happiness and contentment) and dopamine (associated with a sense of reward/pleasure) by focussing on specific foods and supplements that bolster the key amino acids necessary to support their production. We also now have access to a host of botanicals, adrenergics, and nootropics, which can reduce the production and management of stress hormones.

Though not yet mainstream (or approved by Health Canada), an emerging example of how people are using natural remedies is the use of Cannabidiol (CBD), a non-psychoactive component of hemp and marijuana, working for many to reduce the symptoms associated with anxiety and depression (Corroon, James, Mischley, & Sexton, 2017; Soares & Campos, 2017; Zuardi, Rodrigues, Silva, Bernardo, Jaime, Hallak, Guimarães, & José, 2017). An example of a supplement that can work with our biology to bolster serotonin is 5-HTP (Kious, Sabic, Sung, Kondo, & Renshaw, 2017).  Among those that can bolster Dopamine are L-Dopa and Tyrosine (Lampariello, Cortelazzo, Guerranti, Sticozzi, & Valacchi, 2012).

Ultimately, if we are committed to thriving, we must be open to our unique needs, removing barriers in whatever way we can; doing so, is another way to practice self-compassion.

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